Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm sick today. I have no idea what happened, but I am sick. It is nice to be sick and have the house to myself! :)

Yesterday, I went to watch my 9 year old cousin at his American football practice. As cute as it was, watching those munchkins run around with all that padding, I also enjoyed the grown adult men tossing around the football. Watching good-looking men play sports makes my day all the more better.

That got me to thinking about how I love the outdoors and watching people play football, baseball, and other sports that I like, and how I would miss those little things if I move out of the country. This got me thinking about a discussion we had at work one day. Where is the perfect place to live?

The thought came into my head because as I seek out my permanent job, I am looking along the east coast and in Europe. Theoretically, I COULD live anywhere. Because of this, practically, I couldn't tell you where I want to live, although I could tell you what I would like in a place.

At work, we have a diverse group of people...a couple guys from Britain, a girl from San Diego, Maine, Oregon, Washington State, Connecticut...the guys from Britain said they like the U.S. because of it's optimism on different topics, while the girl from Maine was saying she didn't think she wanted to raise her kids in the U.S. As this discussion kept going, you see the different good and bad sides to a place.

In conclusion, we figured there was no one place that was better than another. It's more about what you do with what you have. You can live anywhere and make it a point to love it or hate it by highlighting particular experiences. I suppose you could move somewhere and realize the things you need in life were right in front of you in your old place, you just didn't know how important they were. Or maybe you didn't know what made you happy until you made a geographical change and there it was.

I guess my happy place will be different from your happy place, wherever that may be.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Life has been good for the most part. I've been feeling very loved lately by all sorts of friends and family. I am a fan of the warm, fuzzy feeling. I don't know if I'm just recognizing the good things more, or if it really is all new. My friends have really been great, real supportive, and I'm trying to think of ways to thank them for that. For now, I hope that me noticing their efforts will be thanks enough. Lots of people are having special events coming up, weddings, babies, adoptions and have expressed their desire to have me be a part of their special occasions. That caring feeling keeps me going on most days. That and knowing my life's purpose. I'm sure I know what I was put on this earth to do. I've always known it as a feeling, but lately I've been able to visualise and articulate it better. While I still couldn't give a real specific answer, I know what I need to be doing. It may take a few steps to get there, but I'm sure I will get to where I need to be. Lately, I've had a feeling inside that things are falling in line. It's not a 'wishful thinking' type of feeling either. It's more of one that tells me to keep doing what I'm doing and take advantage of the opportunities that feel right. I'm listening to my inner voice. I've ignored it before, but not this time.

It's partly because as of late, I've been finding out the answers to some 'whatifs.' You know, sometimes when you date someone, you wonder what life would have been like if they were still around, regardless if being with them was wrong. Luckily, whomever I've let go in the past 7 years, whether it was difficult or not, has been the right choice. I found out one ex got a girl pregnant and then promptly stopped talking to her (ew) and another is engaged, but tends to lie to his fiancee about his whereabouts (not nice). I also called CLS Boy because I was in his neighborhood and was in desperate need for a bathroom, he wasn't there, so he called me back. He kept talking, and I asked him, "Are you home?" and he was in NYC spending the day with his new girlfriend celebrating her birthday! I couldn't believe he stayed on the phone with me, but maybe some people just don't get it. I told him he should have told me he was busy, and I promptly hung up. I also heard from my first love. His phone call was actually very nice and fun. I laughed, that deep belly laugh...and it has been so long since I laughed like that. I forgot what it was like to talk to someone who knows me that well...the good, the bad, and the ugly. There were also parts of the conversation which reminded me why we weren't together too, but I was also reminded that maybe, at some point, I will soften on my anti-relationship stance when the right person comes along.

I've learned that sometimes waking up in the morning sucks, but it's worth it. I love where I volunteer, and the people I volunteer with. They inspire me everyday. I can't wait to turn that into my life's work. My opportunity is out there. Some mornings I don't want to go, and then I get myself out of bed, go, and when I come home at the end of the day I am truly satisfied.

Mentally, I have never felt this together in my entire life. If you were to look at my life from the outside in, it may not appear like it is together. Looking at in from the inside out, it all makes sense.

The best thing that is happening this week : My mom is going to India and my dad is going to Germany...I get the house to myself for 10 days!!! Ok, maybe that's not illustrating my caring side, but my parents and I are really sick of each other these days. My mom will be at my cousin's wedding with her all of her sisters and her nieces, my dad will be working in Germany, which he loves, and I will be here enjoying the silence. It will be rejuvenating for all of us.

Here at last, Here at last, total peace of mind is here at last.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I love how people compliment my hair the day before I plan on getting it cut.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I've been going back and forth as to what to blog about, so here it is.

Lately, I've been coming across articles which discuss life in your 30's. Actually, they are more about being a woman in your 30's. Being 30, I'm always intrigued by these articles.

Usually they are of 2 mindsets: Single and sad, or Married and loving it. There is the 3rd group which discusses fertility in your 30's, which I will not elaborate on here. I hate these articles because my category is not there. Single and loving it. (Don't get me started how these articles are targeted at the ladies only!)

The single and sad people are unmarried and worried about their fertility, as well as the difficulty of meeting a good guy because apparently, they are all taken. I am not worried about these things. I feel that things will happen at the right time. I can't imagine any year of my 20's where getting married would have fit or been the right choice. I *shudder* at the thought. An ex boyfriend called me the other day and fretted about how he missed the boat for marriage. He's only 31!

I was chatting with one of my favorite people about this, wondering why I came across these articles. He pointed out that I am bucking the trend. I like that. Why does it have to be one way or the other?

Granted, I'm not in the place I thought I would be at 30 but I am moving forward. I'm not miserable either. I am more anxious and excited for the future just because I am ready to acheive all I've dreamt about and more. This is the tip of the iceberg.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

The drinks we drank last night

Artist(Band):Azure Ray

Riding on these waves
Holding on to what you say
Everything will be okay
it will work out one way

But I’ve drifted way too far
my arms my legs have grown too tired
And could you be inspired, now I’m just tired

And on a swing you push me hard
So I’ll come back to where you are
And you know I’m never far
no decisions nothing hard

And I knew that it would ring tonight
I’ll take the bus or the next flight
I won't give up on what feels right

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night

The shadow of our past,
projects on clouds of dust and gas
The ones where my eyes will rest,
a silhouette of loneliness

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night

I need a new world. I'm ready for a new beginning.
I'm extremely lucky to have a lot of amazing people on my side.

The force of good will prevail!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of inspiration. Not just people who are inspiring simply because they are inherently good, but because they have found a shred of light in the darkest hour.

Inspiration #1

Near where I live, a brutal crime has occurred where a man has lost his wife, his children, his house, and almost everything inside. The story is so sad, even telling it or reading about it seems so surreal. It is one of those moments which I think few people experience...how do you go on when you have lost everything that means the most to you, everything you've loved and worked for. I think about the crime and just wonder how this father/husband will go on. This family was robbed of their loving life together. The tale is horrendous and unimaginable.

One of the many memorial services going on for the family was shown on TV. Many people spoke, with one of the final speakers being the father. A tall man, dressed in a perfectly tailored grey suit, with bruises all over his face and a gash on his forehead, all a result of the horrific night. His first line, he cracked a light hearted joke. As he continued on to describe his loving family with such grace and poise, he recounted his memories, and made us laugh as well. He spoke as a loving father and husband, and you could feel that. I sat in amazement. In spite of all he is going through, his kindness just permeated through the crowd. This was a crowd of over 1,600 present, many more watching at home, in a service which took place the day after burying his family.

I cried for much of the service, but my cries turned to sobs when the father spoke. My heart broke for him, and I was also inspired by his nature. Even when the worst happens, it is necessary to rise above it. It is important to still be a good person. The only two times he waivered in composure is when he said that his younger child would have grown to be a lovely lady, and that if there is anything we can gain from this senseless tragedy is to pass on kindness everyday. To see someone in the depths of such sadness exhibiting a stance of love and care when he could easily be drowning in sorrow and anger...I can say that I have gone through much less in my life and sometimes I have chosen to be angry. After seeing what I saw today, I know I have no reason to be.

Inspiration 2

Inspiration 2 is about adoption. First off I should say, I work and volunteer with the most amazing people on the planet. Just when I think they can't be kinder, they show me that there is always a way to be a better person.

The 2 with adopted siblings...their families saved their siblings from abusive homes. They weren't setting out to adopt but their siblings were getting severely beaten and tortured in their own homes. The stories I heard broke my heart. One of the siblings was made to bathe in bleach by her parents! That is mild compared to the other things she went through. She remembers praying to God at the age of 3 to send her a family where she can be happy. It took God 12 years to respond, and she finally got her wish. While she has many mental and a few physical disorders she needs to deal with, she continues to study and work her hardest to get somewhere in her life, but now she has the support of a loving family. People who deal with a lot less quit a lot faster.

I heard both of these stories within a few days of each other. I'm not sure why it worked out that way, but it did. I have been going through the stories in my head in some attemtpt to figure out why these innocent people had to go through such catastrophic heartache. It is not fair. I couldn't find a real answer and that is the part that upsets me the most. We are always looking for answers.

Maybe the father was right. If I can learn the lesson of hope and love from their pain, their grief/loss of life will not be in vain.

The worst kind of pain, is watching someone you love in pain

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My life is hilarious. It has a strange 6-degrees of separation/full circle element. People who were once in my life, tend to pop up in the strangest ways.

On Friday, I am going up to Vermont to see my friend Lucy who was a friend of mine wayyyyyyyy back in elementary school. Our Dads worked together, so we were always kind of connected, although I haven't seen her since our school days. I am very excited about it, especially since I haven't been to Vermont in a long time. Since she lives in the same town as 2 people I know, I asked her to just email me her address since I know how to get to that town.

I receive her email which says she lives on 146 Main Street.

CLS Boy's parents live on 52 Main Street.

This is hilarious for 2 reasons.

1) Out of all the places in the town, she lives a few houses down from my ex-boyfriends parents (who are wonderful people), although I haven't seen them since I crushed their child's heart.

2) all those times I went up to see CLS Boy, Lucy was right down the street and I never knew it! I must have walked by her house numerous times! How strange.

I've had a few experiences where I have been at the same place at the same time as someone else who I ended up meeting at a point later in time. I wonder what it all means.

I ended up telling her to just desribe the house since I already know how to get there.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

After being my father's daughter for 30 years, today I realized that he doesn't know me at all.


He proposed this business idea which would require me to go back to India. In short, my college years in India were the most difficult times of my life, and the thought of going back there makes me anxiety ridden, which I explained to my father.

He responded by saying I must be unable to have comapssion for the poor.

Sometimes I think supporting myself with 3 crappy jobs and living from paycheck to paycheck would be 10000x better than this shit.

Sometimes I wonder how I make it from one day to the next without smashing my head in with a brick.

Things HAVE to get better.

If I Found a Wistful Unicorn

If I found a wistful unicorn
and brought him to you, all forlorn…
would you pet him?

If I took an empty midnight train
across the country in the rain…
would you meet me?

If I picked a little flower up
and put it in a paper cup…
would you smell it?

If I found a secret place to go
with you the only one to know…
would you be there?

If my cricket coughed and got the flu
and needed warmth and comfort too…
would you hold him?

If my rainbow were to turn all gray
and wouldn’t shine at all today…
would you paint it?

If my birch tree were afraid at night
and couldn’t sleep without a light…
would you bring one?

If my soul were feeling all alone
and wasn’t near a telephone…
would you write to it?

If my clock developed nervous strain
and needed help to “tock” again…
would you fix it?

If I ran backwards up a tree
and called for you to follow me…
would you do it?

If my turtle got a nervous tic
and couldn’t swim ‘cause he was sick…
would you sit with him?

If I said that I could dance for you
as hard as that would be to do…
would you watch me?

If my pet turnip turned on me
and bit me fiercely on the knee…
would you bandage it?

If my obelisk came tumbling down
and fell in pieces on the ground…
would you pick it up?

If my nightingale were a monotone
and much too shy to sing alone…
would you hum with him?

If my wart decided yesterday
to be a dimple anyway…
would you notice?

If all that I would want to do
would be to sit and talk to you…
would you listen?

If any of these things you’ll do
I’ll never have to say to you…
“Do you love me?”

It's late, I can't sleep, so I thought I'd leave a little note

I'm so excited that the premeire of the Simpsons movie is in Springfield, Vermont! I used to live there, and it is such a wonderful little town. I lived up the hill from the movie theatre! It's kind of crazy when a small town that not too many people know about is now world famous, even if it is for 15 minutes. I might drive up for the premiere. The town won't ever see anything that big again.

Actually, the biggest thing that goes on in the town is Alumni Weekend. Instead of having yearly reunions for the high school, they do one yearly, and have everyone come. Then they have a parade through the town. 4th of July was pretty cool too. I'm so excited for them. It's an industrial town, so the tourism they get for that weekend will do so much.

Monday, July 09, 2007

This weekend my friend and I drove to Albany, New York and just after we crossed into New York from Massachusetts, under an underpass, we saw a butt naked man facing the highway and masturbating.

Good times.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

So I suffered a minor setback with the job rejection, but I am back on track. It took a few days, but I'm back back back. I was moping for a bit, because I was pretty sure I would get that job. I haven't broken that news to my parents, but at the same time I'm confident some other interview will come soon.

Since my parents choose not to encourage me and be supportive, I choose to avoid them. While I understand their concern, I don't appreciate the fact that they are underestimating me, thinking I'm not being proactive. They have known me for 30 years, I am anything but passive!

Usually, my dad chooses to eat in front of the TV. This allows my mother and I to eat in peace (usually), and have random conversation. When he joins us, I eat as fast as possible and scurry from the kitchen.

My parents criticize me over The 3 Deadly M's. Marriage, Money, and Mass. My singleness, my job situation, and my weight.

Today it was the job. My dad thinks I'm the only one in the world who cannot get a job. While I've been doing different things during my time (not to mention taking care of my niece!) regarding work, I haven't found anything permanent. It is hard. While I know I'm not the only one, and am grateful I have their (financial) support so I don't have to be sweeping floors and can write and look at leisure.

Tonight, when we were at dinner, my dad pounced. My mom actually thought I didnt have the confidence to work. What?!

My dad gave me some suggestions, all of which I have done. Which is why I was smiling. I dont tell him these things though. I told him, yes I did X, and he said I did it wrong. So it is why I listen in silence and just smile. I am doing what I can, calling people, scouring the internet, talking with profs, really everything I can do without parking myself in an office, not moving, and demanding a paycheck. I KNOW I'M DOING EVERYTHING. I'm doing it all right too. It will come. This is for sure.

Sometimes it is hard to listen to them because they've changed their stance, so the part where I have listened doesnt even apply anymore. I sit quietly, smile, knowing that no matter what I said, they would call me wrong. Be happy.

Since my father knew I wasnt breaking (I think my smiling was irritating him), he tried to finish with a flourish saying, "You don't look as pretty as you used to. You've gained a lot of weight." To which I said, "It's ok if you think I'm ugly. I know I look good." He tried to argue, but I wasnt listening. What's the point? I am happy.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

This weekend has been crappy, although I don't feel crappy.

Let me enumerate:
1. My niece left
2. I didn't get that job in North Carolina

Let's break it down:

1. My niece left

After one year of living with us, my pretentious 5 and a half year old niece left our house to live with her parents. The house is clean, her toys are gone, and the silence is deafening. It was hard to see her go, but I know I will see her again. I enjoyed taking care of her, even during the days I wanted to rip my hair out when she was uncooperative. It really is the silence that kills me. Long-drawn out silence. I have been sitting here for 2 hours and no interruptions. I miss that. I miss all her -isms, ideas, and regular stream of drawings. When she left, my Dad cried, my Mom wailed, and I had tears in my eyes, but when I noticed my niece getting nervous I made faces at her. No matter what, we are happy that she is living with her parents again. But it was hard to let her go.

2. I didn't get the job in North Carolina

I found out because I sent an email asking what happened. Apparently they have sent a letter but to the wrong address (which means my reimbursement check is floating around too!). While they enjoyed my interview, blah blah blah blah blah finish the sentence. I have accepted that this happened for the best, although some days I feel like I am fresh out of options. Plus, after thinking I couldn't move far, I really psyched myself up for living in North Carolina. I knew they called my references and everything, so I felt good about having the position secured. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. I just can't seem to fathom where my job is. I know it's out there, and I feel like I have not left any stone unturned. I'm frustrated because I am qualified and I am intelligent, I just need someone to give me a chance, and I can't figure out who or where that someone is...sitting sadly waiting for my glowing resume to cross their desk. Ugh. The whole process is frustrating because this is what I want to do. I suppose if worse comes to worse, I could go back to medicine, but I don't want to. I know what I want, I just don't know where it is!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I am exhausted today, but in a good way.

I went to the Botannical Gardens with some friends. It was HOT outside. We had fun.

I got the most delicious pizza ever...a white pizza, a layer of ricotta cheese and a layer of mozzarella...yummmmmmmmmm

Monday, June 25, 2007

I am mentally exhausted. Drained right now. In desperate need of a vacation. I kind of feel like the 'whipping girl' around the house because I've been asked to do 101 things, which is hard with a 5 year old in dire need of attention 24-7.

I think I'm a little bit of a crankypants because of the weekend. My sister-in-law graduated from her residency program (yay, she's a real doc now!). I am very very very proud and happy for her. Although for whatever reason, my father chooses the times where we need to celebrate as a family to point out my shortcomings. Instead of highlighting every miserable comment, I will point out the 2 that gutted me the most were "If you just stayed in medicine you really could have been something," as if my life is over and I should find a cardboard box now, and when he pinched my arm and said "Wow, you're getting big," although I have lost 22 pounds (I gained a heck of a lot during grad school. I can admit this).

While it still bothers me that one of the people who should be my biggest support might as well be friends with my worst enemy, I somehow got over it. Then my brother tells me I need to pack all of my niece's stuff since the movers are coming on Friday (to pick up his family's stuff). Nevermind that he is coming Thursday and can do it himself considering it is his daughter, but my brother was smart enough to set the standards of him doing anything at an all time low so he would never be asked to do anything for anyone.

I am taking a 5 year old on my own pretty much. This is hard work. Especially when the 5 year old is moving and you have to schedule all sorts of playdates with her and her friends. Luckily I've done that. Still, I don't want her to watch TV all day, so I have to entertain her. Plus, get her stuff ready, feed her, bathe her, well...do all the things a parent would do.

I am very sad that she is leaving. Very sad is an understatement but my brain is too tired to think of any better adjectives. I am also exhausted, because I have things in my own life I need to take care of. Actually, I'd like to read a book.

I am thankful for the people who have told me I am doing a good job. My sister-in-law, whose opinion is the most important. My niece's kindergarten teacher, a few of her friends parents, and I was also surprised at a couple fathers who said I was doing a great job. I was really happy to hear that.

Maybe one of these days, when I move away from home, I can sit, be rested and have some happy clarity.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Today I went for a walk/jog, and a VERY hot shirtless, 6 pack abs, muscles everywhere, Crest smile, ran by me, smiled and said hi.

He was so hot that he deserved a post.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Moving on, Moving on, Moving on. It is paralyzing me.

My niece's school year is done on Tuesday. She will be done with Kindergarten, going into 1st grade, and moving to Pennsylvania to finally live with her parents. She is so happy and I am so sad. So this week has been a week of "lasts." Her last music class at school, her last full week of school, her last dance class, her last full week at her daycare which she loves so much. I even saw her teacher (whom I have known since MY childhood) on Thursday, and then she said, come back on Monday! haha It is hard to let go. I was sad when her dance teacher was saying, "I wont see you again!" But my niece has done so well this year. An only child, living with 3 adults none of whom are her parents, coming to a new town, and made a bazillion friends. I just feel like I'm on a train that is moving so fast. I think when you can watch a kid grow, you feel that more than without them. If I have the chance to be a mother, I'm going to need a steady stream of Xanax and tissues.

Moving is hard. I moved twice as a child, and I think that is why I understand the lasting emotions of a move. I remember that lonely feeling and missing particular friends who understood me, who I had a rhythm with. To this day, I still wonder how life would have turned out if I stayed in a particular school. Sometimes I wonder how life moved on so much without me. I still keep in touch with a couple people from my first move, more than 23 years ago. I think my niece will do the same. Heck, with email and the internet, anything is possible. There is something about that first real friend though...

My emotions are high right now because I interviewed for a job in North Carolina. I've lived in the Northeast my whole life. This job in North Carolina would be great for so many reasons. Experience, financial, great company...While I was there I was thinking about if I get it, I would have to move. I have a few friends in North Carolina, but I would have to do my best to make it a home. That is a scary thought. At least when I was younger I was in school, so therein was a social network. North Carolina is so different from anything I'm used to. It is so spread out, people are really really friendly, no real big city (like New York City) right around the corner, and it is a 12 hour drive from my best friend. I remember an old post of Swirly Girl's, saying something like "why would I leave my whole support system?" I completely understand that, and I am questioning why I am even considering it. Of course I would take the job if they offered it. I have to move on sometime, and maybe the universe is telling me that this is the best way to change my life in a positive direction, as scary as it may seem.

So yes, I am a basketcase. To the point I skipped my volunteer work all this week. I couldnt focus. (although I will do my work from home) I am confident things will work out for the best, and the best doesn't always come easy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

So I met Man-Crush over the weekend, up in Boston.

Let me preface by saying this is the first date I have gone on in a year and a half. Ok, a little more than that. I just hate dating and all it entails. Plus, this was a set-up, so the premise is different I suppose.

The last time I drove to Boston, I got lost for 3 hours, and got into a car accident. It was not fun. So the combined thought of driving to Boston AND having to go on a date for the first time in months and months did not give me my blessed sleep and continous visits to the bathroom.

I made to Boston, driving in the pouring rain. When I saw him, I was surprised how he looked and even wondered if I had the right person because he looked SO different than the picture. I mean neither picture was all too clear, but he looked a normal size (bigger than me) and tall. The guy who approached me was an inch taller than me and smaller-framed.

Once I got over that initial surprise and nervousness, we walked around and chatted. Had lunch, and at that point we were comfortable with each other. We just walked and talked. Although I enjoyed the time, there wasnt that something more which would make me continue. It is interesting how someone's physical presence can change everything.

The last half hour was my favorite part. We sat on a bench and talked. He even said he wished he had his office ID so he could show me the view from his 10th floor office. We talked and talked, and it was nice. I enjoyed it. Even with this enjoyment, I could sense something was amiss. I can't pinpoint exactly what, but I am going with my gut instinct. We ended it with, "I'll call you sometime." We can stay friends, but I dont think it will go beyond that.

It was fun to go out on a date and feel like the magnifique single woman that I am though. I dressed up and everything! Maybe I'll consider another one some day.

Then I met up with my friends at Boston Billiards, played pool and got blitzed.

It was a great weekend.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

I like a boy.

Ok, he's not a boy, I suppose age-wise, he is a man.

It's so strange, I haven't had a crush in a long time. Although I haven't met him yet. We don't live in the same city, but we may meet this weekend. We talk, we chat, but now it's kind of weird talking and chatting, but not meeting. He asked me if I would see him, and I was thrown off and started stuttering. Argh. He was nice enough to smooth it over and pretend I didn't stutter.


Here's hoping that I keep my cool and quit stuttering and/or rambling around him.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Going on with the nostalgia theme...

Today I came back from my niece's ice cream social. Basically, the school collects money, gives us ice cream, and the kids play in a park. It is crazy, a bunch of 5 year olds running around with ice cream in their hands, but it is nice for the kids to see each other outside school (and the parents and guardians as well).

My niece has spent this year in the same town I grew up in. When I was in elementary school, I was a bus helper for my niece's current kindergarten teacher's class. I played on the high school tennis team with her kindergarten teacher's daughter. There is another teacher at the school who used to live down the street from me, I used to go to her house and hang out with her daughter all the time. On the list of kindergarteners, I recognize the names of some people I went to high school with. Sometimes I'm surprised with how long I've been connected to this town. I thought once I left, I would never be back.

Here I am.

Having my niece here, in this same school system, has healed some old wounds for me. I'm not entirely sure how it has happened. I think being able to take care of her in the same system, with some of the same people around, I have shown myself that what happened, happened. I am better and smarter now. I think I know that whatever happened, happened because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know any better. Now I know. I won't let the same thing happen to myself again, or to my niece. Really, I have no idea why I am at peace now.

I enjoy living here now. Although I won't stay.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

It has been a strange few weeks. I have been unusually nostaligic. It is the end of the school year, which means my niece is growing up. Granted she is still small, finishing Kindergarten, but she is getting bigger. I always feel like the end of the school year is really the end of the year, not December 31st. One season ends, a new season begins.

One thing I always liked about summer vacation is that it is a buffer from one year to the next. It is a time to reflect, yet move forward at the same time.

To try and make an analogy, I feel like I am at a 'summer vacation' point in life, but more at the end of summer vacation. Lately, all sorts of past events/people (Mike, amongst others), have somehow wormed their way into my world, or have been brought to my attention. People or events I have tucked away, with plans never to uncover again. I've even made peace with CLS Boy. (Not that we were fighting, I chose to avoid him) When I hang out with friends, it feels like I'm spending time with them in order to move on to something else. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am finishing a school year, and going to go to another school.

I am expecting some big change soon. A big, positive change. I'm not sure what it is, but it is coming. I will let you know when it happens. :)

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I finally met up with Mike tonight over a few drinks.

It was anti-climatic, but interesting.

We were both happy to see each other, although we didn't hug. We both got drinks and just chatted for 2 hours. He didn't mention his wife at all, and I didn't pry to find out why he decided to email me. I didn't mention his wife either. I asked him about "things at home," and he blew it off.

I learned how good I am at making conversation. I don't watch baseball, but since it was awkward in the begninning, we talked about baseball. I said how I would like to see a baseball game one day, and he took a copy of the New York Post and looked up Mets game schedules. He found one for tomorrow, I said no way, but I'll be in the city Wednesday. He even called his buddy to see about tickets.

Now I don't think I will call him and go to a baseball game on Wednesday, but I went along with it out of sheer nervousness.

We talked and talked. The only time I dealt with attitude, was when I asked him if he was following the presidental candidates. He asked me, "Why are you asking me that?" and my response was, "Because I am asking you."

Reminiscing about our high school/college days brought us the most smiles and laughs.

It definitely wasn't like things used to be. As we were talking, he realized how much he's missed in my life. (I can't say the same because he doesn't do much, and he didn't mention his wife at all) We started easing into being normal around each other though.

After a couple hours, it was time to go. We hugged. I don't know how much in touch we will be. Although at least when we go to the baptism of a mutual friends' son, I know we can talk like acquaintences. We're not full fledged friends yet, and I'm not sure he can be in my life the way he used to be.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

“Sonnet 17”, by Pablo Neruda

“I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom, and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.”

This isn't to anyone in particular. If I had my way, someone tall, dark, and handsome would be reciting this to me.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

--From The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

This quote stirred something inside me today. This year has been long, full of bumps, being at my parents house, I looked back thinking of all the 'sacrifices' I made to get myself to a point that is different from where I'm at now.

Then I realized, sacrificing this year of my life, was a precious gain in my nieces life.

That realization changed my outlook on my own life.

Today is going to be a good day.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I am a good friend. I am a good friend during happy and sad times. Although lately, I have encountered the same situation where I don't think I am being as good of a friend as I should be.


I have friends who are getting divorced. 2 in particular.

I don't know what to say to them. I don't say much, and just like each wedding is different, so is each divorce.

Divorce sucks. Both friends have been married about 3-4 years too. Both divorces involve children. Both friends talk to me. I don't know what to say.

My friends do have solid reasons for divorce. One friend's husband has a gambling problem, and the other friend's in-laws are somehow turning her husband against her and the situation is becoming unbearable for her. Although he is willing to make sure she does not get their child.

I don't know anything about divorce firsthand, and for that I am lucky. But they are turning into a lot of drama and I want to support them in the right way. I find myself speechless half the time, giving these half-hearted sounding, "Things will be alright" when even I don't know. I don't want my friend who is a stay-at-home-mom (No income) to worry about providing for her child and pay a lawyer. I want their husbands to wisen up and things to get better for them.

Monday, April 16, 2007

The other day Alkam suggested that I write down a few of my goals, saying that if I write them down, I am more likely to acheive them.

So here goes:

1) To get the job at that organization which I really really really really really really really really want (and deserve) because I am ready to make a difference.

2) To speak up more

3) Stop being guarded most of the time

4) Be happy

5) Changing the fat in my arms to muscle

6) Be patient with my niece even if I am having a difficult day

7) Dress better

8) Practice French and Spanish regularly even when I don't have anyone to speak to in either of those languages

9) Travel to see friends more

10) Be confident that all of the above can be acheived

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I do not like being ill,
I do not like taking pills,
I do not like Tylenol,
I do not like it, not at all.

With a 5 year old in the house, I'm sick every other week, but this one hit me extra hard!

There are so many things to talk about. My 30th birthday was great. I went snowtubing in this tiny town, the ride up there was so beautiful, and then out to dinner.

I feel like 2007 is going to be a good year. Luckily, it seems like everyone around me is having a lot of good things happen, so I hope some of that rubs off on me. My cousin got engaged, my friend is dating a very nice guy, my brother is going to build a house, my niece is happy...I hope it gets better from here for everyone.

It is 16 degrees Farenheit right now/-9 degrees C. I need a vacation to warm weather.

You probably don't know of my secret love of all things Reba McEntire. I love her show "Reba" and this clip from it is hilarious. (It's a spoof of American Idol since Kelly Clarkson was the first winner)