Friday, February 27, 2004

I'm going to NYC tomorrow first thing in the morning. The funny thing is, Im probably going to meet up with a few friends from here. So I'm basically moving the crowd.

I dont know what I'll do. I love to watch the sunset by the Hudson. I havent seen a good sunset since my birthday, and I feel like I need the peace again.

I had a glimmer of hope today. I heard the song "Low Rider" by War two times this morning--on the radio at that!

This may seem stupid, but I love that song. It puts me in a happy place, and to hear it twice when I wasnt even trying had me smiling.

Then I went to happy hour at work, and my Hungarian friend has decided to teach me to play squash on Monday. Then after happy hour, Sann and I went to the Jamaican restaurant for beef patties. Now Im home alone, enjoying the peace and quiet, waiting for Sex and the City to come on.

Tomorrow...I'm going to party. Well, I'll have a good time anyway. I'm ready to at least like life and myself again. This may not be the answer, but it will be a quick fix for now. Lets just hope theres enough eye candy to keep me satisfied.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

I've been feeling so glum lately. I hate talking about a down time. I thought this would come and go, but its still here.

I'm usually a happy person. I enjoy happiness. My feelings are never an act. I'm an awful liar. So when I'm upset, I just want out of it. I hate to wallow in pits of sorrow. I can get knocked down, take my few moments to recover, dust myself off, and move on.

I live an honest and just life. I believe in karma--that if you do something good, and that it comes from a good place within yourself, good will come back to you.

A palmist once told me that I would be successful. When I was in school everyone expected me to be the one to be doing something big. I'm trying to work toward a goal, and I've put in my best effort. The rest is up to someone else, and what if that someone else (or those someone elses) dont think my best is good enough? Im not sure what to work for then. I wonder if all these obstacles I've been going through for the past 10 years is making me smarter and stronger for what lies ahead. When something goes wrong, I think of the Rolling Stones lyric, "You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." Although I dont see anything I need around me. I try to look for the silver lining in any cloud which looms over my head. I'm good at that. Things in my world are going wrong, and I dont know why. Things around me are not right, and I cant fix it. I'm an awful communicator. I can't talk about my problems, its just not a part of me. I hate talking about things I don't have control over. No one can help me in those kind of situations. When I do that, Im just talking. Im being passive with my life and not active. I hate the times when I am forced to live that way, because I have such a strong refusal to be passive in my own life.

I'm excited to go to NYC for the day on Saturday. I was going to stay, but I havent heard back from my friend who I wanted to stay with. Another friend is busy, and another has a bunch of company (by a bunch I mean 2 other people. His apartment is the size of a closet). So it looks like this trip is going to consist of me, and me alone. Not that I mind, I love wandering the streets of NYC. At least I know Im moving along to somewhere. Even if its just for a moment.

Friday, February 20, 2004

You dont understand how fucking happy I am that this week is finally over. This is the first weekend in many, many, MANY weeks where I'll be sitting home with nothing to do.

Well, not sitting home exactly. I'll go to the mall. But you know what I mean. No definite plan besides going to different websites to look for a cheap, warm vacation, crying over the finale of Sex and the City and eating chocolate chip cookies.

Although next weekend, I'm heading to NYC. :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

95% of the time, you can put me in a social situation and Im good to go. Although there is that small percentage where I do feel uncomfortable.

Usually its not completely because of me (in my opinion). That 5% where I end up feeling nauseaus in a social situation is when everyone has come with someone, or knows someone else at a party or place. They talk amongst themselves, and even when I try to join in, there is no way I will ever be part of that little circle, even for the night. I hate standing on the outside and looking in. I really hate it when no one invites you into their circle, even if its just for the night. In the event that this situation arises, I find the other outsiders and we make our own circle.

On Sunday, I went to a friends surprise birthday party. She and I have been friends since childhood. 4 other of her close family friends from Boston were there, 2 of her friends from college (with their significant others), and her boyfriend. The 4 Bostonians hang out and talk to each other because they have their inside jokes, and know each other in and out, so an outsider would not understand. The 2 college friends hadnt seen each other in ages, so they were gabbing away. The significant others were gabbing away. The birthday girl and her boyfriend were gabbing away. I was mute and feeling stupid.

In an attempt to break up the little cliques that formed (because the cliques were hindering her socializing, as she had to go from person to person in different conversation mode), we played Cranium and then we played Taboo. I love any type of board game, and these were awesomely fun. (Dr.P tested, Dr.P approved)

The main problem was choosing teams. The Bostonians wanted to be a team, then the College Buddies wanted to be a team, and I didnt put in a request for any team. Quite frankly, I wanted to go home. The birthday girl made the teams and broke the cliques up.

So once the games were over, I figured I would leave. I tell Birthday Girl and Birthday Girl's boyfriend that Im going to go. They say I cant leave, and I finally end up talking to them for a half an hour. (Birthday Girl was home from San Francisco for the weekend, and I basically went to the birthday party to see her!) This was my favorite part of the night, and I felt like my normal self--happy to be at a party, socializing, and silently bemoaning, yet extremely envious of the couples around the house. I still wanted to leave.

Instead, I sucked up my pride, and stayed a little while longer, as the "I have to work tomorrow" excuse didnt get very far. My level of enjoyment did not increase at all. Next time, Im going to say "I have go home and take my medication."

Friday, February 13, 2004

Today is Friday the evil premonition for Valentines Day.

It is also D'ex's 29th birthday, so I gave him a holla. He was his usual charming self, trying to get me to visit and convert to Judaism (all with comic dexterity). He has a certain zing in his personality that Cali Law Student Boy doesnt have. If I could mash the two together I'd have one hell of a guy!

I had a plan today with Em and Christy. Em cancels on me last minute. She said she already had plans with someone else, but we had this plan for a few days now. She left a message on my cell which I happened to check during the course of the day. I was angry. Last minute cancelling is not cool in my book, especially if its to go out with someone else! Em doesnt know Christy, and I thought it would be fun if they met.

So Christy and I continued on with the plan...Indoor Rock Climbing. My outdoorsy, adventuresome Christy has rock climbed in Cambodia, South Africa and Thailand. My rock climbing consists of walking on a gravel filled walkway.

It was fun! But like skiing, I realized how little upper body strength I do have. You really have to pull yourself up. I mastered the beginner wall, and made it halfway up the intermediate wall. Meanwhile Christy is climbing all over the walls. My favorite part was gliding down though. I love the feel of flight. Its one of those sports that look so much easier on TV. Its still fun all the same. I would love to master it. Of course I would need some bicep and tricep development in my arm.

Now Im back to the same pain status I was in on Monday. Arm pain, gut pain, back pain, quad pain, toe pain, etc. My muscles are in a quandry. I truly believe some of my little muscles are in shock after 27 years of not being put to use at all.

Tomorrow is Valentine Shmalentines Day. Ugh. Cali Law Student Boy has sent me flowers and my friend in Colorado sent me a Valentine. I cant wait til this madness is over. Im taking a friend out for lunch and a movie since its her birthday.

Its also supercalifragilisticexpialadocious of a man's birthday on Valentines Day! Thank you for your continous friendship and kindness, and for teaching me the true meaning of being fabulous.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

On Saturday night at the condo, Liz (who is married with 3 kids), mentioned that she walks around the house naked in front of her family. She washes the dishes naked. My prudish self found this quite strange.

My Austrian friend once mentioned that she sits around the house naked. Hanging out, watching tv, NAKED. She told me that her parents walked around naked when she was a kid. After seeing the surprised look on my face, she asked me, "You mean you've never seen your parents naked?"...uh, my dad didnt like it if I wore a skirt that fell 2 inches above my knee.

Even when the world got a glimpse of Janet Jackson's right nip, I was one of those who thought, "Wrong place, wrong time." (I think Justin Timbersnake is being a total sissyshit about the whole thing. He didnt look shocked at all)

At most (or least), in the words of Jessica Simpson, I've walked around with "nothing but a t-shirt on." And my parents should be away for the weekend. Clothes which fall and cling in all the right places adds a bit of sexy intrigue. I've never understood the "Bare it all" mentality. I could be a little jealous of that line of thinking. Its only been in recent years I've become comfortable with my body type, and I've learned how to dress accordingly.

Although if any of your wrote a letter to What Not to Wear (the U.S. or U.K versions), I would not be upset at all. Hell, it would be the best present to get $5000 to go shopping in Manhattan. (or 2500 sterling to shop in London)

Monday, February 09, 2004

I survived the ski trip!!

Friday night, after getting into a fight with my father, I went over to Christy's. We chilled out for a couple hours. At midnight we went to pick up Ricky at the hospital after he finished work.

We drove up, and reached Brattleboro, Vermont where we spent the night. We slept from 3-8:30am, then like excited children on Christmas morning, got ready and drove the rest of the way. The ride was another 3-4 hours, but Vermont is so gorgeous, time just flies.

So since we reached there before the rest of the crew (4 others), we put on our snowpants and things in the car. Yours truly was looking very fly in black snowpants, a yellow ski jacket, goggles, hat and gloves. Ricky and Christy are expert skiier/snowboarder, so they had their stuff and went to the mountain.

I walked to the ski rental place, got skiis and my ticket for a beginner lesson. The lesson began at 1:45pm, and I was all ready by Noon. Since I didnt know the first thing about skiing, and did NOT want to attempt anything by myself, I stood around surveying the mountain for a bit. Then I tried to make it look like I was tired from skiing all morning. When I figured that me standing there for an hour completely devoid of snow on my skiis and myself, I kept looking at my watch to pretend that I was impatiently waiting for someone.

Lesson time came, and I was very happy to see a nice group of adults who were very friendly. Our instructors came, and we went on the chair lift! I thought we'd practice our moves at the bottom of the hill! I was so nervous, although I enjoyed the chair lift ride. As I've never been on a chair lift, in my attempt at getting off, I knocked over the people on both sides of me.

They had taken us on the 'beginner' hill, which was a steep incline for beginners (in my humble opinion). I kept reminding them that I dont know the first thing about skiing, and they seemed quite fine with it. So they said to ski to a certain point which required me to move downhill. Since I have no control, I was heading towards another trail, with the instructor screaming, "Dont go down that trail!" and myself screaming back, "I dont know how to ski!"

There were 2 instructors and 1 gave me a private lesson (because thats how much help I needed). After a few tries I got the hang of it, and I was enjoying myself immensely. The only times I fell were getting off the chairlift. Then it started snowing, and I felt like the queen of the snowbirds skiing in the snow.

Then I go back to the lodge since the park was closing, and meet up with everyone. Of course Im so excited that I skiied, while everyone else is talking about skiing from the top of the mountain and glading (something about skiing through I was trying to avoid the trees, and my friends are purposely going through them). It snowed some more, and we just hung around, talked, ate and drank.

Next morning, I decided to continue skiing since I got the hang of it. It was f*in cold out. O degrees F, with a windchill of -14 degrees F. Not cool at all. My hands were frozen. One thing I did not get used to was the speed one can attain while skiing. There were points I would nearly panic. When you cross a patch of ice, it only makes you go down the hill faster. This would also result in me falling down at a faster rate due to my panicking. This is when I decided skiiers and snowboarders are my favorite athletes. I had so many people help me up, bring me my poles, and encourage me to keep trying, because once I got the hang of it I'd like it. Not to mention how friendly everyone is on the chairlift. I was chatting up a storm. Lots of Canadians too, since this place is 10 miles from the Canadian border. It was awesome.

I skiied for about 5 hours that morning. I finally stopped after a nasty fall in which I could have sworn I saw my knee cap roll down the hill, and when I couldnt feel my toes. My boots fit funny the second day, so I decided to call it quits for the day. (Only an hour before we left!)

As I sat in the car, my body cramping up, watching the sunset over the mountains, I was feeling good. I was proud of myself for bearing the cold, doing a sport that Im scared of, and going somewhere new. I bought a sweatshirt as a little souvenier of the little mountain I semi-conquered.

Im in so much pain today. Im walking like a robotic penguin. Its nice to know I have muscle under my fat. I'd definitely love to ski again.

Of course, this means I get to go shopping for ski attire which will make me look tres cute.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

It has been 3 months since my last haircut. Today that has all changed.

I looked at my hair in the mirror, and it was straight, hippiesh, John Lennon-esque on top. Then it flared out like a mushroom at the bottom. My look was bleak at best. So I did what I had to do. I called my super duper Gay and Glamourous hairdresser for assistance.

I love this man. I would be his fag hag if he asked me to.

I walked in and he came up to me and said, "Hi babe," and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then he took one look at me and exclaimed, "You desperately need a haircut!" as he flipped and toussled my hair. He was determined to change my look. (again)

He cut my hair and asked me the standard, "Have you found your heartthrob yet?"

"No, I havent. I've met nice guys, but no heartthrob," I said. (Do people still use the word heartthrob?!)

"Look at you, you're such a hottie. You are the complete package!" he said as he flashed his baby blues in my direction. (Now do you understand why I keep him?)

He proceeded to razor cut off about 2 pounds of hair. I looked to the ground and saw what looked like a premature bear cub, but it was all my hair. He blow dried and styled my hair, and sent me on my merry way. Before leaving, he said, "Next time you come in, we're going to put even more red highlights in your hair!"

That made me weak in the knees. He's so good to me.

Today I look pretty damn sharp. I should schedule my haircuts on days I go into NYC, and not on the days where I go back home, change into sweats, and hang out in front of the TV.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I've talked about it. I've blogged about it. I've thought about it. I've dreamt about it.

Now it may become a reality.

Next weekend, I may attempt to ski/snowboard down a mountain located here.

I just hope I dont die or make a complete fool of myself or amputate a limb in the process. If I do, I hope there is a cute instructor/snow lifeguard to come to my rescue.

Time to figure out what to wear.