Saturday, July 28, 2007

Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of inspiration. Not just people who are inspiring simply because they are inherently good, but because they have found a shred of light in the darkest hour.

Inspiration #1

Near where I live, a brutal crime has occurred where a man has lost his wife, his children, his house, and almost everything inside. The story is so sad, even telling it or reading about it seems so surreal. It is one of those moments which I think few people do you go on when you have lost everything that means the most to you, everything you've loved and worked for. I think about the crime and just wonder how this father/husband will go on. This family was robbed of their loving life together. The tale is horrendous and unimaginable.

One of the many memorial services going on for the family was shown on TV. Many people spoke, with one of the final speakers being the father. A tall man, dressed in a perfectly tailored grey suit, with bruises all over his face and a gash on his forehead, all a result of the horrific night. His first line, he cracked a light hearted joke. As he continued on to describe his loving family with such grace and poise, he recounted his memories, and made us laugh as well. He spoke as a loving father and husband, and you could feel that. I sat in amazement. In spite of all he is going through, his kindness just permeated through the crowd. This was a crowd of over 1,600 present, many more watching at home, in a service which took place the day after burying his family.

I cried for much of the service, but my cries turned to sobs when the father spoke. My heart broke for him, and I was also inspired by his nature. Even when the worst happens, it is necessary to rise above it. It is important to still be a good person. The only two times he waivered in composure is when he said that his younger child would have grown to be a lovely lady, and that if there is anything we can gain from this senseless tragedy is to pass on kindness everyday. To see someone in the depths of such sadness exhibiting a stance of love and care when he could easily be drowning in sorrow and anger...I can say that I have gone through much less in my life and sometimes I have chosen to be angry. After seeing what I saw today, I know I have no reason to be.

Inspiration 2

Inspiration 2 is about adoption. First off I should say, I work and volunteer with the most amazing people on the planet. Just when I think they can't be kinder, they show me that there is always a way to be a better person.

The 2 with adopted siblings...their families saved their siblings from abusive homes. They weren't setting out to adopt but their siblings were getting severely beaten and tortured in their own homes. The stories I heard broke my heart. One of the siblings was made to bathe in bleach by her parents! That is mild compared to the other things she went through. She remembers praying to God at the age of 3 to send her a family where she can be happy. It took God 12 years to respond, and she finally got her wish. While she has many mental and a few physical disorders she needs to deal with, she continues to study and work her hardest to get somewhere in her life, but now she has the support of a loving family. People who deal with a lot less quit a lot faster.

I heard both of these stories within a few days of each other. I'm not sure why it worked out that way, but it did. I have been going through the stories in my head in some attemtpt to figure out why these innocent people had to go through such catastrophic heartache. It is not fair. I couldn't find a real answer and that is the part that upsets me the most. We are always looking for answers.

Maybe the father was right. If I can learn the lesson of hope and love from their pain, their grief/loss of life will not be in vain.

The worst kind of pain, is watching someone you love in pain

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My life is hilarious. It has a strange 6-degrees of separation/full circle element. People who were once in my life, tend to pop up in the strangest ways.

On Friday, I am going up to Vermont to see my friend Lucy who was a friend of mine wayyyyyyyy back in elementary school. Our Dads worked together, so we were always kind of connected, although I haven't seen her since our school days. I am very excited about it, especially since I haven't been to Vermont in a long time. Since she lives in the same town as 2 people I know, I asked her to just email me her address since I know how to get to that town.

I receive her email which says she lives on 146 Main Street.

CLS Boy's parents live on 52 Main Street.

This is hilarious for 2 reasons.

1) Out of all the places in the town, she lives a few houses down from my ex-boyfriends parents (who are wonderful people), although I haven't seen them since I crushed their child's heart.

2) all those times I went up to see CLS Boy, Lucy was right down the street and I never knew it! I must have walked by her house numerous times! How strange.

I've had a few experiences where I have been at the same place at the same time as someone else who I ended up meeting at a point later in time. I wonder what it all means.

I ended up telling her to just desribe the house since I already know how to get there.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

After being my father's daughter for 30 years, today I realized that he doesn't know me at all.


He proposed this business idea which would require me to go back to India. In short, my college years in India were the most difficult times of my life, and the thought of going back there makes me anxiety ridden, which I explained to my father.

He responded by saying I must be unable to have comapssion for the poor.

Sometimes I think supporting myself with 3 crappy jobs and living from paycheck to paycheck would be 10000x better than this shit.

Sometimes I wonder how I make it from one day to the next without smashing my head in with a brick.

Things HAVE to get better.

If I Found a Wistful Unicorn

If I found a wistful unicorn
and brought him to you, all forlorn…
would you pet him?

If I took an empty midnight train
across the country in the rain…
would you meet me?

If I picked a little flower up
and put it in a paper cup…
would you smell it?

If I found a secret place to go
with you the only one to know…
would you be there?

If my cricket coughed and got the flu
and needed warmth and comfort too…
would you hold him?

If my rainbow were to turn all gray
and wouldn’t shine at all today…
would you paint it?

If my birch tree were afraid at night
and couldn’t sleep without a light…
would you bring one?

If my soul were feeling all alone
and wasn’t near a telephone…
would you write to it?

If my clock developed nervous strain
and needed help to “tock” again…
would you fix it?

If I ran backwards up a tree
and called for you to follow me…
would you do it?

If my turtle got a nervous tic
and couldn’t swim ‘cause he was sick…
would you sit with him?

If I said that I could dance for you
as hard as that would be to do…
would you watch me?

If my pet turnip turned on me
and bit me fiercely on the knee…
would you bandage it?

If my obelisk came tumbling down
and fell in pieces on the ground…
would you pick it up?

If my nightingale were a monotone
and much too shy to sing alone…
would you hum with him?

If my wart decided yesterday
to be a dimple anyway…
would you notice?

If all that I would want to do
would be to sit and talk to you…
would you listen?

If any of these things you’ll do
I’ll never have to say to you…
“Do you love me?”

It's late, I can't sleep, so I thought I'd leave a little note

I'm so excited that the premeire of the Simpsons movie is in Springfield, Vermont! I used to live there, and it is such a wonderful little town. I lived up the hill from the movie theatre! It's kind of crazy when a small town that not too many people know about is now world famous, even if it is for 15 minutes. I might drive up for the premiere. The town won't ever see anything that big again.

Actually, the biggest thing that goes on in the town is Alumni Weekend. Instead of having yearly reunions for the high school, they do one yearly, and have everyone come. Then they have a parade through the town. 4th of July was pretty cool too. I'm so excited for them. It's an industrial town, so the tourism they get for that weekend will do so much.

Monday, July 09, 2007

This weekend my friend and I drove to Albany, New York and just after we crossed into New York from Massachusetts, under an underpass, we saw a butt naked man facing the highway and masturbating.

Good times.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

So I suffered a minor setback with the job rejection, but I am back on track. It took a few days, but I'm back back back. I was moping for a bit, because I was pretty sure I would get that job. I haven't broken that news to my parents, but at the same time I'm confident some other interview will come soon.

Since my parents choose not to encourage me and be supportive, I choose to avoid them. While I understand their concern, I don't appreciate the fact that they are underestimating me, thinking I'm not being proactive. They have known me for 30 years, I am anything but passive!

Usually, my dad chooses to eat in front of the TV. This allows my mother and I to eat in peace (usually), and have random conversation. When he joins us, I eat as fast as possible and scurry from the kitchen.

My parents criticize me over The 3 Deadly M's. Marriage, Money, and Mass. My singleness, my job situation, and my weight.

Today it was the job. My dad thinks I'm the only one in the world who cannot get a job. While I've been doing different things during my time (not to mention taking care of my niece!) regarding work, I haven't found anything permanent. It is hard. While I know I'm not the only one, and am grateful I have their (financial) support so I don't have to be sweeping floors and can write and look at leisure.

Tonight, when we were at dinner, my dad pounced. My mom actually thought I didnt have the confidence to work. What?!

My dad gave me some suggestions, all of which I have done. Which is why I was smiling. I dont tell him these things though. I told him, yes I did X, and he said I did it wrong. So it is why I listen in silence and just smile. I am doing what I can, calling people, scouring the internet, talking with profs, really everything I can do without parking myself in an office, not moving, and demanding a paycheck. I KNOW I'M DOING EVERYTHING. I'm doing it all right too. It will come. This is for sure.

Sometimes it is hard to listen to them because they've changed their stance, so the part where I have listened doesnt even apply anymore. I sit quietly, smile, knowing that no matter what I said, they would call me wrong. Be happy.

Since my father knew I wasnt breaking (I think my smiling was irritating him), he tried to finish with a flourish saying, "You don't look as pretty as you used to. You've gained a lot of weight." To which I said, "It's ok if you think I'm ugly. I know I look good." He tried to argue, but I wasnt listening. What's the point? I am happy.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

This weekend has been crappy, although I don't feel crappy.

Let me enumerate:
1. My niece left
2. I didn't get that job in North Carolina

Let's break it down:

1. My niece left

After one year of living with us, my pretentious 5 and a half year old niece left our house to live with her parents. The house is clean, her toys are gone, and the silence is deafening. It was hard to see her go, but I know I will see her again. I enjoyed taking care of her, even during the days I wanted to rip my hair out when she was uncooperative. It really is the silence that kills me. Long-drawn out silence. I have been sitting here for 2 hours and no interruptions. I miss that. I miss all her -isms, ideas, and regular stream of drawings. When she left, my Dad cried, my Mom wailed, and I had tears in my eyes, but when I noticed my niece getting nervous I made faces at her. No matter what, we are happy that she is living with her parents again. But it was hard to let her go.

2. I didn't get the job in North Carolina

I found out because I sent an email asking what happened. Apparently they have sent a letter but to the wrong address (which means my reimbursement check is floating around too!). While they enjoyed my interview, blah blah blah blah blah finish the sentence. I have accepted that this happened for the best, although some days I feel like I am fresh out of options. Plus, after thinking I couldn't move far, I really psyched myself up for living in North Carolina. I knew they called my references and everything, so I felt good about having the position secured. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. I just can't seem to fathom where my job is. I know it's out there, and I feel like I have not left any stone unturned. I'm frustrated because I am qualified and I am intelligent, I just need someone to give me a chance, and I can't figure out who or where that someone is...sitting sadly waiting for my glowing resume to cross their desk. Ugh. The whole process is frustrating because this is what I want to do. I suppose if worse comes to worse, I could go back to medicine, but I don't want to. I know what I want, I just don't know where it is!