Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I am exhausted today, but in a good way.

I went to the Botannical Gardens with some friends. It was HOT outside. We had fun.

I got the most delicious pizza ever...a white pizza, a layer of ricotta cheese and a layer of mozzarella...yummmmmmmmmm

Monday, June 25, 2007

I am mentally exhausted. Drained right now. In desperate need of a vacation. I kind of feel like the 'whipping girl' around the house because I've been asked to do 101 things, which is hard with a 5 year old in dire need of attention 24-7.

I think I'm a little bit of a crankypants because of the weekend. My sister-in-law graduated from her residency program (yay, she's a real doc now!). I am very very very proud and happy for her. Although for whatever reason, my father chooses the times where we need to celebrate as a family to point out my shortcomings. Instead of highlighting every miserable comment, I will point out the 2 that gutted me the most were "If you just stayed in medicine you really could have been something," as if my life is over and I should find a cardboard box now, and when he pinched my arm and said "Wow, you're getting big," although I have lost 22 pounds (I gained a heck of a lot during grad school. I can admit this).

While it still bothers me that one of the people who should be my biggest support might as well be friends with my worst enemy, I somehow got over it. Then my brother tells me I need to pack all of my niece's stuff since the movers are coming on Friday (to pick up his family's stuff). Nevermind that he is coming Thursday and can do it himself considering it is his daughter, but my brother was smart enough to set the standards of him doing anything at an all time low so he would never be asked to do anything for anyone.

I am taking a 5 year old on my own pretty much. This is hard work. Especially when the 5 year old is moving and you have to schedule all sorts of playdates with her and her friends. Luckily I've done that. Still, I don't want her to watch TV all day, so I have to entertain her. Plus, get her stuff ready, feed her, bathe her, well...do all the things a parent would do.

I am very sad that she is leaving. Very sad is an understatement but my brain is too tired to think of any better adjectives. I am also exhausted, because I have things in my own life I need to take care of. Actually, I'd like to read a book.

I am thankful for the people who have told me I am doing a good job. My sister-in-law, whose opinion is the most important. My niece's kindergarten teacher, a few of her friends parents, and I was also surprised at a couple fathers who said I was doing a great job. I was really happy to hear that.

Maybe one of these days, when I move away from home, I can sit, be rested and have some happy clarity.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Today I went for a walk/jog, and a VERY hot shirtless, 6 pack abs, muscles everywhere, Crest smile, ran by me, smiled and said hi.

He was so hot that he deserved a post.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Moving on, Moving on, Moving on. It is paralyzing me.

My niece's school year is done on Tuesday. She will be done with Kindergarten, going into 1st grade, and moving to Pennsylvania to finally live with her parents. She is so happy and I am so sad. So this week has been a week of "lasts." Her last music class at school, her last full week of school, her last dance class, her last full week at her daycare which she loves so much. I even saw her teacher (whom I have known since MY childhood) on Thursday, and then she said, come back on Monday! haha It is hard to let go. I was sad when her dance teacher was saying, "I wont see you again!" But my niece has done so well this year. An only child, living with 3 adults none of whom are her parents, coming to a new town, and made a bazillion friends. I just feel like I'm on a train that is moving so fast. I think when you can watch a kid grow, you feel that more than without them. If I have the chance to be a mother, I'm going to need a steady stream of Xanax and tissues.

Moving is hard. I moved twice as a child, and I think that is why I understand the lasting emotions of a move. I remember that lonely feeling and missing particular friends who understood me, who I had a rhythm with. To this day, I still wonder how life would have turned out if I stayed in a particular school. Sometimes I wonder how life moved on so much without me. I still keep in touch with a couple people from my first move, more than 23 years ago. I think my niece will do the same. Heck, with email and the internet, anything is possible. There is something about that first real friend though...

My emotions are high right now because I interviewed for a job in North Carolina. I've lived in the Northeast my whole life. This job in North Carolina would be great for so many reasons. Experience, financial, great company...While I was there I was thinking about if I get it, I would have to move. I have a few friends in North Carolina, but I would have to do my best to make it a home. That is a scary thought. At least when I was younger I was in school, so therein was a social network. North Carolina is so different from anything I'm used to. It is so spread out, people are really really friendly, no real big city (like New York City) right around the corner, and it is a 12 hour drive from my best friend. I remember an old post of Swirly Girl's, saying something like "why would I leave my whole support system?" I completely understand that, and I am questioning why I am even considering it. Of course I would take the job if they offered it. I have to move on sometime, and maybe the universe is telling me that this is the best way to change my life in a positive direction, as scary as it may seem.

So yes, I am a basketcase. To the point I skipped my volunteer work all this week. I couldnt focus. (although I will do my work from home) I am confident things will work out for the best, and the best doesn't always come easy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

So I met Man-Crush over the weekend, up in Boston.

Let me preface by saying this is the first date I have gone on in a year and a half. Ok, a little more than that. I just hate dating and all it entails. Plus, this was a set-up, so the premise is different I suppose.

The last time I drove to Boston, I got lost for 3 hours, and got into a car accident. It was not fun. So the combined thought of driving to Boston AND having to go on a date for the first time in months and months did not give me my blessed sleep and continous visits to the bathroom.

I made to Boston, driving in the pouring rain. When I saw him, I was surprised how he looked and even wondered if I had the right person because he looked SO different than the picture. I mean neither picture was all too clear, but he looked a normal size (bigger than me) and tall. The guy who approached me was an inch taller than me and smaller-framed.

Once I got over that initial surprise and nervousness, we walked around and chatted. Had lunch, and at that point we were comfortable with each other. We just walked and talked. Although I enjoyed the time, there wasnt that something more which would make me continue. It is interesting how someone's physical presence can change everything.

The last half hour was my favorite part. We sat on a bench and talked. He even said he wished he had his office ID so he could show me the view from his 10th floor office. We talked and talked, and it was nice. I enjoyed it. Even with this enjoyment, I could sense something was amiss. I can't pinpoint exactly what, but I am going with my gut instinct. We ended it with, "I'll call you sometime." We can stay friends, but I dont think it will go beyond that.

It was fun to go out on a date and feel like the magnifique single woman that I am though. I dressed up and everything! Maybe I'll consider another one some day.

Then I met up with my friends at Boston Billiards, played pool and got blitzed.

It was a great weekend.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

I like a boy.

Ok, he's not a boy, I suppose age-wise, he is a man.

It's so strange, I haven't had a crush in a long time. Although I haven't met him yet. We don't live in the same city, but we may meet this weekend. We talk, we chat, but now it's kind of weird talking and chatting, but not meeting. He asked me if I would see him, and I was thrown off and started stuttering. Argh. He was nice enough to smooth it over and pretend I didn't stutter.


Here's hoping that I keep my cool and quit stuttering and/or rambling around him.