Life has been good for the most part. I've been feeling very loved lately by all sorts of friends and family. I am a fan of the warm, fuzzy feeling. I don't know if I'm just recognizing the good things more, or if it really is all new. My friends have really been great, real supportive, and I'm trying to think of ways to thank them for that. For now, I hope that me noticing their efforts will be thanks enough. Lots of people are having special events coming up, weddings, babies, adoptions and have expressed their desire to have me be a part of their special occasions. That caring feeling keeps me going on most days. That and knowing my life's purpose. I'm sure I know what I was put on this earth to do. I've always known it as a feeling, but lately I've been able to visualise and articulate it better. While I still couldn't give a real specific answer, I know what I need to be doing. It may take a few steps to get there, but I'm sure I will get to where I need to be. Lately, I've had a feeling inside that things are falling in line. It's not a 'wishful thinking' type of feeling either. It's more of one that tells me to keep doing what I'm doing and take advantage of the opportunities that feel right. I'm listening to my inner voice. I've ignored it before, but not this time.
It's partly because as of late, I've been finding out the answers to some 'whatifs.' You know, sometimes when you date someone, you wonder what life would have been like if they were still around, regardless if being with them was wrong. Luckily, whomever I've let go in the past 7 years, whether it was difficult or not, has been the right choice. I found out one ex got a girl pregnant and then promptly stopped talking to her (ew) and another is engaged, but tends to lie to his fiancee about his whereabouts (not nice). I also called CLS Boy because I was in his neighborhood and was in desperate need for a bathroom, he wasn't there, so he called me back. He kept talking, and I asked him, "Are you home?" and he was in NYC spending the day with his new girlfriend celebrating her birthday! I couldn't believe he stayed on the phone with me, but maybe some people just don't get it. I told him he should have told me he was busy, and I promptly hung up. I also heard from my first love. His phone call was actually very nice and fun. I laughed, that deep belly laugh...and it has been so long since I laughed like that. I forgot what it was like to talk to someone who knows me that well...the good, the bad, and the ugly. There were also parts of the conversation which reminded me why we weren't together too, but I was also reminded that maybe, at some point, I will soften on my anti-relationship stance when the right person comes along.
I've learned that sometimes waking up in the morning sucks, but it's worth it. I love where I volunteer, and the people I volunteer with. They inspire me everyday. I can't wait to turn that into my life's work. My opportunity is out there. Some mornings I don't want to go, and then I get myself out of bed, go, and when I come home at the end of the day I am truly satisfied.
Mentally, I have never felt this together in my entire life. If you were to look at my life from the outside in, it may not appear like it is together. Looking at in from the inside out, it all makes sense.
The best thing that is happening this week : My mom is going to India and my dad is going to Germany...I get the house to myself for 10 days!!! Ok, maybe that's not illustrating my caring side, but my parents and I are really sick of each other these days. My mom will be at my cousin's wedding with her all of her sisters and her nieces, my dad will be working in Germany, which he loves, and I will be here enjoying the silence. It will be rejuvenating for all of us.
Here at last, Here at last, total peace of mind is here at last.