I think Cupid has something against me. A conspiracy if you will.
Today 2, (count them 1, 2!) Exes called me today.
One was the Brit. Brit and I had lovely conversation. Then he pulled the, "Why havent I heard from you?"
Why havent you heard from me? Im not obligated to keep communication lines open anymore.
Number 2, was Number 2-head, D'ex. As usual, his call was friendly, laced with a certain more-than-friendliness. I know he calls because he's lonely. Hell, he calls to tell me he's lonely and single. He wants me to go and visit him (and bake of one of my homemade cheesecake). I know when one of us finally moves along, there will not be any contact whatsoever.
Sometimes I hate it when they call. Sometimes I love it. The Brit and I have been apart, and out of each others sight long enough to get over each other, even though our history is long and twisted. D'ex and I had that 4 month 'summer vacation', but once he started calling again, we have been talking monthly. They are a reminder of my past in so many ways. The type of person I was when I was with them, who my friends were, what was going on in my life, and they were a part of all that. Today with both, we ended up talking about things that happened during our period together. That is something strange to look back on, when you're trying to be in 'friend' mode. When that happens, I wonder if I made some sort of impact on them in some way.
Paranoia has also carried on with the 2 guys I've been talking to. I hate seeing NYC Med-students name on my Chat list of people who are online, yet not chat. Or he has been idle for 10000 hours. I want to leave a message which reads, "If you are not at the computer, shut it off." After that thought came to my head, I decided to go with the 'expect nothing' approach, so if we do converse, I will be surprised. (whee!)
Cali Law Student emails me. Even when I dont reply. That kind of bugs me, and its nice at the same time. I guess Im just not used to it. But he's in Cali. 3000 miles away. The buck stops there. Or at JFK International Airport. I dont know where it stops, but its not going very far.
I'd also like to add that one of my friends in India told me I am single because I dont pray hard enough. (Hogwash!)
I hate the dating aftermath. It can be so nice, yet so ugly at the same time. After a certain age, being single can be so natural, and so strange at the same time. I know I should be single now. I cant date with all my other things going on. On the flip side, every so often I crave a big hug, or curling up under a soft, fluffy blanket with someone.
I have thoughts of "I dont need anybody", and in the next minute I think of how, "I want somebody." Want and need are two completely different things.
I need some therapeutic TV right now. A spoonful of Oprah and a heapful of Sex in the City. At this point, want and need are interchangable.