Saturday, March 06, 2004

I normally dont blog on Saturday's because I believe even bloggers deserve a holiday. My head is full and I need to empty it out a bit.

PKRK is the only love I've ever had in my life, and he's the reason I know love is real. He's from England, and he and I were both in India at the same time. We dated for a year and a half. He then dumped me since I was not the same caste as he was. (He knew this beforehand) I was heartbroken. We were apart for a year and a half and then decided to try again. After 8 months we broke up (again) because he couldnt handle the fact I had dated someone else (who he hated) after we split the first time. Evil words were exchanged, and after that slugfest there was no way to keep the issues out.

So the clean split was June of 2001. We didnt speak for 4 months. I was in the U.S. and he was in India. Just before I was going back to India in September, he sent me an email asking why he hadnt heard from me, etc. So when I went back to India, we met up (we couldnt avoid it, we had too many mutual friends). We had a few fights, until finally one night for about 5 hours in the dark we sat and talked. No holds barred. We hashed it all out. Once we understood each other, we decided to be friends.

He's back in England now, and we talk once in a while. He knows me so well. He's the only person who knows what Im thinking when Im having the thought. He knows how I'll react to things. It freaked me out that he knew me inside and out. I know him just as well, so when he needs an honest opinion he calls me.

I havent talked to him in 2 months, and today he happened to be online. He tells me he needs my opinion on something. He's asking me about bits of his personality, and then he tells me he went to India for a week. I jokingly asked him if he got married, and he said, "No, but..."

The "BUT" was that he met a couple girls to get married to, and there is one he likes. I dont have feelings for him, but somehow I felt sad. I was thankful he told me online. There I was guiding him about what to say, not to be so critical, and just relax. I know I've moved on from him, but I guess the prospect of him getting married is a strange one. He was once going to marry me. I want him to be happy, but its weird because when we were talking about these girls, and how he acts with them, I have to remember the time when we were dating, and provide him answers from that. Its a place I locked off a long time ago.

Afterwards I went upstairs, and saw some mail for me. It was an invitation to my friends baby shower. I know all about this shower, I knew I was going from the moment she told me.Its like life is flowing all around me, but I've missed something. The timing of it made me wonder, have I missed the boat? Or is my ship just a little slower to reach the port I'm on?

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