This weekend has been crappy, although I don't feel crappy.

Let me enumerate:
1. My niece left
2. I didn't get that job in North Carolina

Let's break it down:

1. My niece left

After one year of living with us, my pretentious 5 and a half year old niece left our house to live with her parents. The house is clean, her toys are gone, and the silence is deafening. It was hard to see her go, but I know I will see her again. I enjoyed taking care of her, even during the days I wanted to rip my hair out when she was uncooperative. It really is the silence that kills me. Long-drawn out silence. I have been sitting here for 2 hours and no interruptions. I miss that. I miss all her -isms, ideas, and regular stream of drawings. When she left, my Dad cried, my Mom wailed, and I had tears in my eyes, but when I noticed my niece getting nervous I made faces at her. No matter what, we are happy that she is living with her parents again. But it was hard to let her go.

2. I didn't get the job in North Carolina

I found out because I sent an email asking what happened. Apparently they have sent a letter but to the wrong address (which means my reimbursement check is floating around too!). While they enjoyed my interview, blah blah blah blah blah finish the sentence. I have accepted that this happened for the best, although some days I feel like I am fresh out of options. Plus, after thinking I couldn't move far, I really psyched myself up for living in North Carolina. I knew they called my references and everything, so I felt good about having the position secured. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. I just can't seem to fathom where my job is. I know it's out there, and I feel like I have not left any stone unturned. I'm frustrated because I am qualified and I am intelligent, I just need someone to give me a chance, and I can't figure out who or where that someone is...sitting sadly waiting for my glowing resume to cross their desk. Ugh. The whole process is frustrating because this is what I want to do. I suppose if worse comes to worse, I could go back to medicine, but I don't want to. I know what I want, I just don't know where it is!

I am exhausted today, but in a good way.

I went to the Botannical Gardens with some friends. It was HOT outside. We had fun.

I got the most delicious pizza ever...a white pizza, a layer of ricotta cheese and a layer of mozzarella...yummmmmmmmmm

I am mentally exhausted. Drained right now. In desperate need of a vacation. I kind of feel like the 'whipping girl' around the house because I've been asked to do 101 things, which is hard with a 5 year old in dire need of attention 24-7.

I think I'm a little bit of a crankypants because of the weekend. My sister-in-law graduated from her residency program (yay, she's a real doc now!). I am very very very proud and happy for her. Although for whatever reason, my father chooses the times where we need to celebrate as a family to point out my shortcomings. Instead of highlighting every miserable comment, I will point out the 2 that gutted me the most were "If you just stayed in medicine you really could have been something," as if my life is over and I should find a cardboard box now, and when he pinched my arm and said "Wow, you're getting big," although I have lost 22 pounds (I gained a heck of a lot during grad school. I can admit this).

While it still bothers me that one of the people who should be my biggest support might as well be friends with my worst enemy, I somehow got over it. Then my brother tells me I need to pack all of my niece's stuff since the movers are coming on Friday (to pick up his family's stuff). Nevermind that he is coming Thursday and can do it himself considering it is his daughter, but my brother was smart enough to set the standards of him doing anything at an all time low so he would never be asked to do anything for anyone.

I am taking a 5 year old on my own pretty much. This is hard work. Especially when the 5 year old is moving and you have to schedule all sorts of playdates with her and her friends. Luckily I've done that. Still, I don't want her to watch TV all day, so I have to entertain her. Plus, get her stuff ready, feed her, bathe her, well...do all the things a parent would do.

I am very sad that she is leaving. Very sad is an understatement but my brain is too tired to think of any better adjectives. I am also exhausted, because I have things in my own life I need to take care of. Actually, I'd like to read a book.

I am thankful for the people who have told me I am doing a good job. My sister-in-law, whose opinion is the most important. My niece's kindergarten teacher, a few of her friends parents, and I was also surprised at a couple fathers who said I was doing a great job. I was really happy to hear that.

Maybe one of these days, when I move away from home, I can sit, be rested and have some happy clarity.

Today I went for a walk/jog, and a VERY hot shirtless, 6 pack abs, muscles everywhere, Crest smile, ran by me, smiled and said hi.

He was so hot that he deserved a post.

Moving on, Moving on, Moving on. It is paralyzing me.

My niece's school year is done on Tuesday. She will be done with Kindergarten, going into 1st grade, and moving to Pennsylvania to finally live with her parents. She is so happy and I am so sad. So this week has been a week of "lasts." Her last music class at school, her last full week of school, her last dance class, her last full week at her daycare which she loves so much. I even saw her teacher (whom I have known since MY childhood) on Thursday, and then she said, come back on Monday! haha It is hard to let go. I was sad when her dance teacher was saying, "I wont see you again!" But my niece has done so well this year. An only child, living with 3 adults none of whom are her parents, coming to a new town, and made a bazillion friends. I just feel like I'm on a train that is moving so fast. I think when you can watch a kid grow, you feel that more than without them. If I have the chance to be a mother, I'm going to need a steady stream of Xanax and tissues.

Moving is hard. I moved twice as a child, and I think that is why I understand the lasting emotions of a move. I remember that lonely feeling and missing particular friends who understood me, who I had a rhythm with. To this day, I still wonder how life would have turned out if I stayed in a particular school. Sometimes I wonder how life moved on so much without me. I still keep in touch with a couple people from my first move, more than 23 years ago. I think my niece will do the same. Heck, with email and the internet, anything is possible. There is something about that first real friend though...

My emotions are high right now because I interviewed for a job in North Carolina. I've lived in the Northeast my whole life. This job in North Carolina would be great for so many reasons. Experience, financial, great company...While I was there I was thinking about if I get it, I would have to move. I have a few friends in North Carolina, but I would have to do my best to make it a home. That is a scary thought. At least when I was younger I was in school, so therein was a social network. North Carolina is so different from anything I'm used to. It is so spread out, people are really really friendly, no real big city (like New York City) right around the corner, and it is a 12 hour drive from my best friend. I remember an old post of Swirly Girl's, saying something like "why would I leave my whole support system?" I completely understand that, and I am questioning why I am even considering it. Of course I would take the job if they offered it. I have to move on sometime, and maybe the universe is telling me that this is the best way to change my life in a positive direction, as scary as it may seem.

So yes, I am a basketcase. To the point I skipped my volunteer work all this week. I couldnt focus. (although I will do my work from home) I am confident things will work out for the best, and the best doesn't always come easy.

So I met Man-Crush over the weekend, up in Boston.

Let me preface by saying this is the first date I have gone on in a year and a half. Ok, a little more than that. I just hate dating and all it entails. Plus, this was a set-up, so the premise is different I suppose.

The last time I drove to Boston, I got lost for 3 hours, and got into a car accident. It was not fun. So the combined thought of driving to Boston AND having to go on a date for the first time in months and months did not give me my blessed sleep and continous visits to the bathroom.

I made to Boston, driving in the pouring rain. When I saw him, I was surprised how he looked and even wondered if I had the right person because he looked SO different than the picture. I mean neither picture was all too clear, but he looked a normal size (bigger than me) and tall. The guy who approached me was an inch taller than me and smaller-framed.

Once I got over that initial surprise and nervousness, we walked around and chatted. Had lunch, and at that point we were comfortable with each other. We just walked and talked. Although I enjoyed the time, there wasnt that something more which would make me continue. It is interesting how someone's physical presence can change everything.

The last half hour was my favorite part. We sat on a bench and talked. He even said he wished he had his office ID so he could show me the view from his 10th floor office. We talked and talked, and it was nice. I enjoyed it. Even with this enjoyment, I could sense something was amiss. I can't pinpoint exactly what, but I am going with my gut instinct. We ended it with, "I'll call you sometime." We can stay friends, but I dont think it will go beyond that.

It was fun to go out on a date and feel like the magnifique single woman that I am though. I dressed up and everything! Maybe I'll consider another one some day.

Then I met up with my friends at Boston Billiards, played pool and got blitzed.

It was a great weekend.

I like a boy.

Ok, he's not a boy, I suppose age-wise, he is a man.

It's so strange, I haven't had a crush in a long time. Although I haven't met him yet. We don't live in the same city, but we may meet this weekend. We talk, we chat, but now it's kind of weird talking and chatting, but not meeting. He asked me if I would see him, and I was thrown off and started stuttering. Argh. He was nice enough to smooth it over and pretend I didn't stutter.

*sigh*

Here's hoping that I keep my cool and quit stuttering and/or rambling around him.

Going on with the nostalgia theme...

Today I came back from my niece's ice cream social. Basically, the school collects money, gives us ice cream, and the kids play in a park. It is crazy, a bunch of 5 year olds running around with ice cream in their hands, but it is nice for the kids to see each other outside school (and the parents and guardians as well).

My niece has spent this year in the same town I grew up in. When I was in elementary school, I was a bus helper for my niece's current kindergarten teacher's class. I played on the high school tennis team with her kindergarten teacher's daughter. There is another teacher at the school who used to live down the street from me, I used to go to her house and hang out with her daughter all the time. On the list of kindergarteners, I recognize the names of some people I went to high school with. Sometimes I'm surprised with how long I've been connected to this town. I thought once I left, I would never be back.

Here I am.

Having my niece here, in this same school system, has healed some old wounds for me. I'm not entirely sure how it has happened. I think being able to take care of her in the same system, with some of the same people around, I have shown myself that what happened, happened. I am better and smarter now. I think I know that whatever happened, happened because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know any better. Now I know. I won't let the same thing happen to myself again, or to my niece. Really, I have no idea why I am at peace now.

I enjoy living here now. Although I won't stay.

It has been a strange few weeks. I have been unusually nostaligic. It is the end of the school year, which means my niece is growing up. Granted she is still small, finishing Kindergarten, but she is getting bigger. I always feel like the end of the school year is really the end of the year, not December 31st. One season ends, a new season begins.

One thing I always liked about summer vacation is that it is a buffer from one year to the next. It is a time to reflect, yet move forward at the same time.

To try and make an analogy, I feel like I am at a 'summer vacation' point in life, but more at the end of summer vacation. Lately, all sorts of past events/people (Mike, amongst others), have somehow wormed their way into my world, or have been brought to my attention. People or events I have tucked away, with plans never to uncover again. I've even made peace with CLS Boy. (Not that we were fighting, I chose to avoid him) When I hang out with friends, it feels like I'm spending time with them in order to move on to something else. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am finishing a school year, and going to go to another school.

I am expecting some big change soon. A big, positive change. I'm not sure what it is, but it is coming. I will let you know when it happens. :)

I finally met up with Mike tonight over a few drinks.

It was anti-climatic, but interesting.

We were both happy to see each other, although we didn't hug. We both got drinks and just chatted for 2 hours. He didn't mention his wife at all, and I didn't pry to find out why he decided to email me. I didn't mention his wife either. I asked him about "things at home," and he blew it off.

I learned how good I am at making conversation. I don't watch baseball, but since it was awkward in the begninning, we talked about baseball. I said how I would like to see a baseball game one day, and he took a copy of the New York Post and looked up Mets game schedules. He found one for tomorrow, I said no way, but I'll be in the city Wednesday. He even called his buddy to see about tickets.

Now I don't think I will call him and go to a baseball game on Wednesday, but I went along with it out of sheer nervousness.

We talked and talked. The only time I dealt with attitude, was when I asked him if he was following the presidental candidates. He asked me, "Why are you asking me that?" and my response was, "Because I am asking you."

Reminiscing about our high school/college days brought us the most smiles and laughs.

It definitely wasn't like things used to be. As we were talking, he realized how much he's missed in my life. (I can't say the same because he doesn't do much, and he didn't mention his wife at all) We started easing into being normal around each other though.

After a couple hours, it was time to go. We hugged. I don't know how much in touch we will be. Although at least when we go to the baptism of a mutual friends' son, I know we can talk like acquaintences. We're not full fledged friends yet, and I'm not sure he can be in my life the way he used to be.

“Sonnet 17”, by Pablo Neruda

“I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom, and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.”

This isn't to anyone in particular. If I had my way, someone tall, dark, and handsome would be reciting this to me.

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

--From The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

This quote stirred something inside me today. This year has been long, full of bumps, being at my parents house, I looked back thinking of all the 'sacrifices' I made to get myself to a point that is different from where I'm at now.

Then I realized, sacrificing this year of my life, was a precious gain in my nieces life.

That realization changed my outlook on my own life.

Today is going to be a good day.

I am a good friend. I am a good friend during happy and sad times. Although lately, I have encountered the same situation where I don't think I am being as good of a friend as I should be.

Divorce.

I have friends who are getting divorced. 2 in particular.

I don't know what to say to them. I don't say much, and just like each wedding is different, so is each divorce.

Divorce sucks. Both friends have been married about 3-4 years too. Both divorces involve children. Both friends talk to me. I don't know what to say.

My friends do have solid reasons for divorce. One friend's husband has a gambling problem, and the other friend's in-laws are somehow turning her husband against her and the situation is becoming unbearable for her. Although he is willing to make sure she does not get their child.

I don't know anything about divorce firsthand, and for that I am lucky. But they are turning into a lot of drama and I want to support them in the right way. I find myself speechless half the time, giving these half-hearted sounding, "Things will be alright" when even I don't know. I don't want my friend who is a stay-at-home-mom (No income) to worry about providing for her child and pay a lawyer. I want their husbands to wisen up and things to get better for them.

The other day Alkam suggested that I write down a few of my goals, saying that if I write them down, I am more likely to acheive them.

So here goes:

1) To get the job at that organization which I really really really really really really really really want (and deserve) because I am ready to make a difference.

2) To speak up more

3) Stop being guarded most of the time

4) Be happy

5) Changing the fat in my arms to muscle

6) Be patient with my niece even if I am having a difficult day

7) Dress better

8) Practice French and Spanish regularly even when I don't have anyone to speak to in either of those languages

9) Travel to see friends more

10) Be confident that all of the above can be acheived

I do not like being ill,
I do not like taking pills,
I do not like Tylenol,
I do not like it, not at all.

With a 5 year old in the house, I'm sick every other week, but this one hit me extra hard!

There are so many things to talk about. My 30th birthday was great. I went snowtubing in this tiny town, the ride up there was so beautiful, and then out to dinner.

I feel like 2007 is going to be a good year. Luckily, it seems like everyone around me is having a lot of good things happen, so I hope some of that rubs off on me. My cousin got engaged, my friend is dating a very nice guy, my brother is going to build a house, my niece is happy...I hope it gets better from here for everyone.

It is 16 degrees Farenheit right now/-9 degrees C. I need a vacation to warm weather.

You probably don't know of my secret love of all things Reba McEntire. I love her show "Reba" and this clip from it is hilarious. (It's a spoof of American Idol since Kelly Clarkson was the first winner)

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I am looking forward to turning over a new leaf.

Life's movement has helped me out with that.

Today I am 30.

So taking care of my niece has been interesting. Even though she isn't MY child, the elite club of mothers have let me in to their world. Since I have a perspective of temporary motherhood, I thought I would share some things I've learned.

1. It will suck the life out of you. (What a way to start)
2. When you love it, you will really love it.
3. Many moments which were once your own to deal with, are now transferred to your child.
4. Most of the time, you won't mind.
5. You don't get a day off. If you need a day off, it's scary because you can't get it. Kid needs to be fed, bathed, and you have to play with them.
6. It's fun playing with them.
7. I do NOT know how a single parent does it. Driving them to lessons, making dinner, helping them with school stuff, working...there are so many hours in a day!
8. You wonder why people continually want to mess up the world. Why is our Education system flawed? Why dont we have universal health care? Why isn't there stricter gun control measures?
9. Some things that you think will bother them, won't.
10. The things you think won't bother them, might.
11. It's fun watching them grow.
12. You may have to repeat the same thing over and over again for months at a time. This is the 4th month of school, and everyday I have to tell her to eat, brush her teeth, and to hurry up because the bus comes at the same time everyday.
which leads me to...
13. Sometimes it can get routine.
14. You get even angrier at the parents who don't raise or take care of their children properly.
15. There will be many proud moments, big and small.
16. Patience is a real virtue.
17. In a weird way, you relive your past. Sometimes you hear yourself saying things just like your parents did. This may be good or bad, and sometimes even you remember how you felt when they said those things to you. Good and bad.

Those are only a few. I think the one thing people forget is that when they dream about having children, it's a fleeting thought and you have this perfect scenario in your head. It's hard to picture it everyday. Even with work, you're done at the end of the day. With parenting, you're never done.

I have to admit, I like it. I thought I would hate it, as much as I love my niece. It's hard to raise a girl. She is in kindergarten and there is already drama. haha. I love watching her spell. "Fonimbr"=Phone Number. Yeah, and did I mention you will learn how difficult it really is to learn the English language?

I don't get what's been going on with the end of 2006. I'm tired, bored, and anti-social. I'm not even sending out Christmas cards this year. I feel like a robot, going through the motions of the day without any real emotion or attachment to anything. A few disappointments arose which I hope will soon pass. It's not just me either. The only thing I want for my birthday is to be in a long cabin in the woods and a warm fire, with a bottle of red wine. I dyed my hair red(ish).

Is this how last 2 weeks of my 20th decade are supposed to be?! My 30s better be f*ckin' unbelieveable (in a good way).

Waiting for the moons and planets to realign,
Dr.P.

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow said this:

"I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America. People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."

- Gwyneth Paltrow told Portugal's Diario de las Noticias on Saturday


I'm going to pick apart her comment.

"I love the English lifestyle."--me too. I love the European lifestyle. I am with her on that one. They really have time to enjoy life. Here, we are forced to work and work, and hardly have time to give back to ourselves. I wish that would change. I love England's proximity to a plethora of countries.

"it's not as capitalistic as America"--Yes, America has made much of its money due to capitalism. I agree. I feel sad when I see buyouts of large businesses, and 5000 people lose their jobs. America is young, and growing, and it's not like other countries which have been around for centuries. Hopefully people will realize a plateau isn't a bad thing. With globalization, most countries are buying into capitalism. McDonalds near the Sistine Chapel? Starbucks in France, a place renowned for their cafes? That's capitalism.

"People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner."--All that means is that you need better company. I don't know a lot of people who talk about money. Work--yes. I choose not to surround myself with people who are money-centric anyway. Frankly, I don't know too many Americans who can't deviate from work and money as a topic. At dinners I have been to, people have talked about travel, entertainment, day to day life, parenting, philosophy, politics, you name it. She needs to expand her social circle.

"I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology."--What is she talking about? It sounds like she's fitting into a snobby side of any psychology.

"The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."--Intelligent is Intelligent anywhere and Dumb is Dumb anywhere.

I have 2 things to say to her: "Don't bite the hand that feeds." and "Be the change you want to see in the world." I don't see her helping out any.

I hate (yes using the word hate) individuals who make these mass claims about a group of people. Plus it's very ironic that a person who has made millions of money in a particular country and from hard working people would so carelessly and easily make this type of statement to do nothing but insult them. She has every right to say what she wants but she could show some same class and ethics while doing it. I am happy she has found happiness in the UK.

If she had said something about the healthcare and education system, I may have agreed with her. For example, Why can't the richest country in the world not give its citizens free or cheaper health care? or Why can't the richest country in the world subsidize educational expenses, or invest our tax dollars back into the public education system?

I have travelled many places, and I love America. I've had good and bad times here, and there are good and bad things about this place. I am sad that the current administration has really messed up, making us look awful to the rest of the world.

I love driving the open road here. I love how we have so many different types of people. I love how you can really be anything you want to be (I saw something about a "Laughing Yoga class" today. I love how generous people are, especially when our government fails them, like in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. I love how the government does not define all the people in this country. I love how random people will talk to you while waiting in line. I love small town fairs.

But one thing about her comment...at least she's not living here and saying it. She just has a house somewhere here. Her generalization of everyone bothered me. Quite frankly, her comment really struck a negative chord with me. I think because as I take care of my niece, I find so many of her friends parents ready and willing to help me, and friends whom I have had for well over 25 years, and she shouldn't be insulting them.

I'm just waiting for her fake British accent to emerge.

My niece is in Kindergarten. I went to her class and her daycare. I love it. The kids all get along, and when they fight, they get over it by the next day. They play games and have conversations about cookies, and finding words (actual and nonsensical) words that rhyme with Poopy.

My question is, when do people become such asshats?