Wednesday, February 25, 2004

I've been feeling so glum lately. I hate talking about a down time. I thought this would come and go, but its still here.

I'm usually a happy person. I enjoy happiness. My feelings are never an act. I'm an awful liar. So when I'm upset, I just want out of it. I hate to wallow in pits of sorrow. I can get knocked down, take my few moments to recover, dust myself off, and move on.

I live an honest and just life. I believe in karma--that if you do something good, and that it comes from a good place within yourself, good will come back to you.

A palmist once told me that I would be successful. When I was in school everyone expected me to be the one to be doing something big. I'm trying to work toward a goal, and I've put in my best effort. The rest is up to someone else, and what if that someone else (or those someone elses) dont think my best is good enough? Im not sure what to work for then. I wonder if all these obstacles I've been going through for the past 10 years is making me smarter and stronger for what lies ahead. When something goes wrong, I think of the Rolling Stones lyric, "You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." Although I dont see anything I need around me. I try to look for the silver lining in any cloud which looms over my head. I'm good at that. Things in my world are going wrong, and I dont know why. Things around me are not right, and I cant fix it. I'm an awful communicator. I can't talk about my problems, its just not a part of me. I hate talking about things I don't have control over. No one can help me in those kind of situations. When I do that, Im just talking. Im being passive with my life and not active. I hate the times when I am forced to live that way, because I have such a strong refusal to be passive in my own life.

I'm excited to go to NYC for the day on Saturday. I was going to stay, but I havent heard back from my friend who I wanted to stay with. Another friend is busy, and another has a bunch of company (by a bunch I mean 2 other people. His apartment is the size of a closet). So it looks like this trip is going to consist of me, and me alone. Not that I mind, I love wandering the streets of NYC. At least I know Im moving along to somewhere. Even if its just for a moment.

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