Saturday, December 27, 2003

'Tis the morning before my 27th Birthday, and all I have to say,
is that Im ready to go to NYC and celebrate in a big way.

I was going to write a post, 101 things about me,
but that would make me a tad late for the train you see.

I hope to blog again sometime tomorrow,
a post filled with joy, without a drop of sorrow.

So now I must go upstairs to take my shower,
as my train is scheduled to depart in one hour.

Monday, December 22, 2003

I had one crazy fun weekend.

Friday night I went into NYC for my friends 32nd Birthday. I didnt want to go, but no one else was going, so I went.

We ended up going Webster Hall, which is a big club. I hate big clubs with an evil passion. I prefer the smaller places which are lounges/clubs. At least you can talk and mingle much easier.

We walked in, and paid an exorbitant amount of money to get into the club. I was not too happy about that, but then again, it wasnt my birthday. If we had gotten into the club before 12, the admission was free. We got in at 12:08am.

We first went to the reggae room, where I had my Watermelon Martini, and she had a Hypnotic. I wasnt out to meet anyone that night, I just wanted to dance. I dont think guys have the "Im going to the club to dance" mentality. Random guys came up from behind, put their arms around my waist and tried dancing with me. Im prudish enough to be disgusted and irritated by this form of a salutation, and I would either just walk away, or turn around and tell them to leave me alone. Then I was chillin' by the wall, and someone thought it would be ok to pretend he was dancing with me. I told him to go away.

At this point I was in full bitch mode. We moved up to the second floor, and there was my kind of music. All sorts of 80's and early 90s pop music. They even played Baby Got Back. I was psyched. Then some of my strange buddies from the reggae floor found me on the 2nd floor and tried dancing with me. When one of them came up to me and got a little too close (yet again), I said,"Oh no, not this shit again!" I think I turned him off entirely. But I was happy dancing with my friend.

TO get all of our money's worth, we had to go up to the techno/house floor which was cool. At least there, everyone was entranced by the music and there were some fun people to mingle with. Then all of a sudden, a man in a very tight Santa suit was swinging from a trapeeze that hung from the ceiling. This was interesting, because I thought he was going to hit the ceiling more than once. And his Santa Suit was really tight. It really accentuated every curve in his skinny little body. Plus, I've never seen a trapeeze inside a building at all. I was intrigued.

Finally after floor hopping and avoiding weird people who insisted on invading my personal space, we sat in a chair, where a guy asked my friend if he could talk to me.She told him to ask me, and he said, "She looks like she'll say no." My friend told him, that if he asked me right, I may say yes. Once again, a wacky guy felt like the only way he could have a conversation with me, was keeping his face a half an inch from my face. His breath stunk, and I obviously not interested, so he went away.

Yes, Im slightly prudish. I dont like it when some random person thinks he can just rub himself and his dirty sweat against me. I also think its possible to have a conversation with someone who is at least 5 inches away from my face. Far enough so no spittle can rest on my skin.

I actually did have fun when I had the chance to dance peacefully. Then by 3:30, we were poopooed. We went to get our coats, and got into a nice 45 minute conversation with the guy at the coat check. That was my favorite part of the night. He was too funny, and we were just cracking up.

So that was Friday night/Saturday morning. I went home Saturday afternoon, and as soon as I turned into my driveway, I hit the curb (dont drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time), and the sidewall of my tire suffered a gash, and I got a flat. I changed the tire, and put the donut tire on. THen Sunday morning, I went to the garage, and had to wait 2 goddamn hours for them to change my tire.

I've left out Saturday night and Sunday afternoon...more to come as time permits.

Friday, December 19, 2003

As I walked by a window, I caught a little reflection of myself. I noticed my hair. In one word, "Ugh."

I recently learned the secret to getting long hair, is not to cut it. Instead of my monthly haircuts, its been 2 months since I have gotten a haircut. My hair has taken an odd shape, and it looks like my big ol' head has been morphed with the help of a baseball bat.

The objects my hair resembles:

1.A Christmas tree or the bottom half of the Star of David (ok, at least Im in season)
2.A portabella mushroom
3.An Obtuse Triangle
4.My own personal umbrella
5.A Mop
6.Krusty the Klown's hair

I would elaborate, but Im at work now, and I must hit the post and publish button before I am caught.

Happy Hanukkah!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Sometimes I find being confronted with sadness keeps me humble.

Im reading a book called "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," by Jean-Dominique Bauby. (The French title is "le scaphandre et le papillon") Bauby was the editor of the French version of Elle Magazine. He suffered a massive stroke at the age of 43, which left him quadraplegic. The only movement he could make was blinking his left eye. He wrote the entire book with a code that he created through the blinking of his eye. I just couldnt imagine if my mind was intact and I could not express anything at all. No facial expressions, no hand movements, no responding at all, yet having all these things in my head that I want to say. The worst was when he talked about his children came to visit him, and he couldnt touch them, or respond to their stories. Bauby died a year after his stroke, 2 days after his book was published.

I've seen movies like Stepmom, or My Life where a parent is faced with death. They know they will die and miss their childs life. They prepare by making movies, writing letters, and making scrapbooks. They somehow try to be present at an event that hasnt even occured yet, but knowing it will happen.

There is a patient who knows she is going to die. There was the one defining symptom which occured. At first, she was hysterical. She's only 45. She has 2 kids aged 12 and 14. Its not her time. Now, when she comes in for her chemo, instead of being in the treatment room with the rest of the patients, she goes to a room in the back. There, her sister helps her create a scrapbook for her daughters. She sits quietly and writes letters
meant for each milestone in their lives that she will miss, in an attempt to be there for her girls. I pass by her room to see her reaction to what she's doing. She is so focused and diligently working on leaving a bit of herself with her kids.

It takes a brave person to accept their fate. Both Bauby and my patient dealt with the unexpected and fought as much as they could, until they knew the only thing they could do was join them. Its only recently that I could feel the meaning of the words, "They were courageous til the very end."

Sunday, December 14, 2003

I would much rather be in the loving arms of a hot Italian named Vincenzo, Lorenzo, Marco, Antonio, Claudio, Roberto or even a Luigi.

At the moment, Im enduring this head cold coupled with a very nauseaus feeling in the pit of my stomach as Im working on applications. I just want to aspirate my head and then vomit.

I should have at least brought my comforter with me.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

So I wrote my email to Cali Law Student Boy. He seemed cool with it as he said, "You cant blame a guy for trying!" Im glad that went off without a hitch. (I think)

A friend of mine from work is recently divorced (She's 35). By recently, I mean the papers were signed 2 weeks ago. To add insult to injury, her car engine went kaput on her, and she hasnt been able to do a darn thing.

I asked her at work if she set up her Christmas tree yet, and she said, "I cant even get one, the damn car is in the shop, and Im not in the Christmas mood this year." I told her I would take her to buy a tree.

Yesterday after work, we went to The Christmas Tree Shop (This is the actual name of the store). It was packed of course, but we were armed with our cart. We bought all of the ornaments, stockings, a Santa hat for 89 cents, and a big red bow. The last thing left on the list was the (artificial) tree. We searched and searched. There was no way that The Christmas Tree Shop could not have a Christmas tree. We found the section, and got the LAST tree. We were psyched.

Afterwards, we went for Jamaican food. She's of Jamaican descent, so I figured she could be my Jamaican food guide. Oh boy oh boy. That was some goooood stuff. Not as spicy as I expected, but it was yummylicious. This restaurant had posters of Jamaica all over the place and now I want to get out of this cold, frosty weather and run to the loving sun rays of the Carribean.

We went to her place, and me, her, and her daughter set up the Christmas tree. It was so pretty. My friend was so excited. She said, "Its so pretty we should put it up in Macy's!" It really was though.

Then I came home, tended to a few phone calls. I love talking on the phone late at night, under my cozy comforter. Its so relaxing.

Now its early morning and Im up. I actually have some things I'll probably procrastinate on. I should hang up the Christmas cards I've been getting. Sounds exciting? Its a pretty normal thing to do I guess.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

I got an email from Cali Law Student Boy. He basically told me that he likes me. Its very strange. I dont know why. He made it plainly obvious, but how do you respond when someone is on the other side of the country? I've only met him once, and even though we email, you dont know what you get when face to face. He described me as "poised and charming with a radiant smile." Damn. The nicest description D'ex had for me was "You dont nag me, your cheesecake is phenomenal, and you have a great ass." (Not that I mind that description either, but Cali Law Student Boy had a more eloquent version.) Im not sure what to do. I dont take starting a relationship lightly, especially if it has to be long distance right from the beginning. I suppose I should tell him the previous sentence I wrote. I dont think Im being illogical or irrational. We could still be friends. Maybe. We'll see.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

What to say? Im tired. I need to get to the gym. I have all this application stuff to do, and catch up on sleep! I try and take walks at lunchtime now. I like to be in the sun.

Yesterday I come home, and in my little pack of mail is a little package. I see the return address and its Cali Law Student Boy. I love getting presents, so I ran to my room to open it. I was so excited. It was a CD. He once asked me what my favorite CD's were, and I mentioned a whole bunch, and one I had lost at some point in life and never bothered replacing. Thats the CD he sent. I was smiling from ear to ear because of his thoughtfulness. The cute note didnt hurt either. Too bad he's 3000 miles away. It would have been nice to go on a date. In any case, living with my parents will cause me to have a date with a therapist once or twice a week in the near future.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Good news. I got into Community College! Yay!

I have to take a math credit for my masters degree, which is why the days of community college will begin. Nice to know I can get into some college.

I just got back from our department Christmas party. The food and wine was great, and the $100 stuffed in the Christmas card was even better. Happy Holidays!!

I've been slightly worried about my karma. I have good intentions with everything I do. Sometimes I do and say things that arent so nice, especially when I have the unsettling feeling that people are not being sincere with me. I do as much good as I can. I deserve a little good karma once in a while. Sometimes I see people who are mean and insincere, but all sorts of luck is bestowed upon them. Then I see people who are very kind and generous, and it seems like they get kicked down so many times. Some people become bitter, and some people become even more kind and generous. I was bitter for a long time, and I've been trying the power of positive thinking. Especially since everyday I see cancer patients who have such uplifting spirits about everything, and I have also seen these same patients vent, cry, and look dejected. Will the power of positive thinking ever take effect, or are we merely playing with our own minds?

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Today we had a party in honour of my niece's 2nd birthday.

I ate waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

But everything was soooooooooooooooooooooo good.

Tomorrow is our work Holiday Dinner at a yummy seafood place.

At this rate, Im going to have to be rolled from point A to point B.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Im posting while at work. Oooh scandalous!

The nicest thing just happened. One of the chemo patients brought in a jar filled with ingredients, and attached a recipe for "Holiday Happiness Cookies." Im relatively new, and she stopped me as I was walking and said, "It looks like I missed you in the beginning! Happy Holidays!" Then she gave me the jar.

Then I went into the chemo treatment room, and 2 of the patients getting treatment were saying how they have it better than others.

Puts things in perspective. I wanted to cry.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Fun moments with friends. (Not this time)

I've been agonizing over a friend who invited herself to go to a New Years party with me. This same chick also invited herself to stay at my friends apartment in NYC. Someone whom she hasnt even met. Without asking to see if it was ok with me, or even checking with me to see if my friends had any sort of problem with it. I kept all my anger pent up and I found myself resenting her, and she didnt know why. So I did the sensible thing. I told a semi-lie. I said, "My cousins from Phoenix will be in that week, so I dont think I'll be going to the city for New Years."

Her response: "Well, tell your friends that I'll be taggin along with them."

My internal reaction, "She did not say that. She did NOT just say that she was going out with my friends. She did not fuckin say that. Please tell me the acoustics in this room are bad."

My response: "What?!"

Her response: "I can hang with your friends if you're not going to be there."

My internal reaction: "Is she still talking? I've got to take this chick along for my birthday? Maybe I should come up with an excuse for that too. Why is all this lack of common courtesy being thrown in my face?"

My response: "They're going to a party at someone else's loft. They cant bring any number of people they want." (This is the truth.)

Her response: "Oh ok. I get it."

I wonder if she knew I didnt want her to come. Lately I've been feeling like the only reason she wants me to go to NYC with her, is because Im the one with the friends there. Im not getting a sincere vibe anymore. At this point, I dont care. I was so mad. Im not even upset that I told my little white lie. I should probably think of one for my birthday too. Maybe I should join Friendster...Nahhh...

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

In the whirlwind that is my life, I received an email from my cousin. It started off a little something like this:

M.M invites you to join Friendster!!

This definitely decreases the six degrees of separation that I quite enjoy. There's a certain mystery I savor in not knowing everyone I pass on the street. A couple people have told me about the wonderful friends/mates/ assorted peeps they have met on Friendster. I hardly have time to see the all the friends I already have, whats the point in making new 'friends' through friends of friends of friends of cousins of brothers (you get the point) that I wont be able to see? If I have a friend, I want to be able to be a friend to them. Or at least feel the connection. You cant get that warm fuzzy feeling from everyone.

I noticed that in the world of blogs, six degrees of separation has decreased to four. I've checked out a few random blogs, and seen a blog here and there that I read on their link list. I even see my blog buddies comments on many of the various blogs I read. Maybe the blogging world is like Friendster. I feel more connected to someone reading their blog than I would reading about what their hobbies are. Its all so random. Globalization seeping through the world like 'tea from a teabag'--silent and rapid.

In any case, Im still not joining Friendster.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

After eating all that Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings on Thursday, and eating Turkey Soup for lunch, and leftover turkey and trimmings on Friday and Saturday, I knew I had to do something before I turned into a roly poly ball.

I went to the track.

This track was the same track I ran during high school. Its around the same football field where I spent all Friday nights during the high school football season, when I was in high school. My bones have grown a little older, but I what I was doing could still be considered running.

There was a high school kid running as well. Actually he was sprinting. Then he ran the steps of the bleachers. It was a frigid winter day. I was wearing layers of clothes. He had shorts and a long sleeved shirt. He was working for something.

Even though I live in the same town I grew up in, I've never gone back to my high school. It was strange driving to the same place I drove to almost 9 years ago. Everyday. I even parked in the 'senior' parking lot.

So I was walked around the track, flashbacks hurling at me right and left. High School was a good time. Im not sure if I want to go to my 10 year reunion. I've debated this. I keep in touch with a good number of people from high school, so I figure I've kept everyone I've wanted to keep near and dear, why look back? I dont need closure for anything.

Part of the reason I dont want to go back, is because there were people I didnt like back then, and people who I had falling outs (yes, plural) with, and I'd much rather leave that in the past. I dont want to have to be fakey smiley and actually care what everyone else is doing, when I dont care. I havent thought about them for 10 years, Im not going to start now.

I hear reunions can be fun. Reuniting with people who were with you from ponytails to puberty. I suppose there could be fun in that. What do you do all night? Reminisce, and say, "Bye! See you at the 20 year!"?

I wouldnt want the night to be full of competition. Who's acheived more, who has it all, and that kind of talk. Subtle competition if you will. People arent being sincere in their reasons for being at the reunion. Why is everyone looking at bigger and better, when happiness may lie in whats smaller and just right?

I'll probably end up going just to find out.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

As I was eating my Oreo cookies after lunch today (the mature woman's snack), I had a thought. It was a thought similar to one Paul Simon had.

"A man/woman walks down the street and asks, why am I soft in the middle now? Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard."

As I strategically ate my Oreo (First the chocolate layer, then the creamy part, then the bottom chocolate layer), I realized...when life's hard, I get soft in the middle because I eat when Im stressed.

I havent gone to the gym at ALL this month. I've been working until 7 or 8 most nights and by the end, Im pooped. I come home, work on applications and work on my paper for my class. (And blog) My abs have deteriorated to a marshmellow status. (Paints a lovely picture doesnt it?)

Thursday is Thanksgiving, a holiday devoted to eating. God bless the Founding Pilgrims for this holiday. Just thinking of the spread makes me salivate. Im well on my way to becoming spherical in shape.

So my goal is to become de-marshmellowize my abs and the rest of my flobby self by my birthday. Starting now.

Well...maybe not now, but by the end of the week.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I think Cupid has something against me. A conspiracy if you will.

Today 2, (count them 1, 2!) Exes called me today.

One was the Brit. Brit and I had lovely conversation. Then he pulled the, "Why havent I heard from you?"

Why havent you heard from me? Im not obligated to keep communication lines open anymore.

Number 2, was Number 2-head, D'ex. As usual, his call was friendly, laced with a certain more-than-friendliness. I know he calls because he's lonely. Hell, he calls to tell me he's lonely and single. He wants me to go and visit him (and bake of one of my homemade cheesecake). I know when one of us finally moves along, there will not be any contact whatsoever.

Sometimes I hate it when they call. Sometimes I love it. The Brit and I have been apart, and out of each others sight long enough to get over each other, even though our history is long and twisted. D'ex and I had that 4 month 'summer vacation', but once he started calling again, we have been talking monthly. They are a reminder of my past in so many ways. The type of person I was when I was with them, who my friends were, what was going on in my life, and they were a part of all that. Today with both, we ended up talking about things that happened during our period together. That is something strange to look back on, when you're trying to be in 'friend' mode. When that happens, I wonder if I made some sort of impact on them in some way.

Paranoia has also carried on with the 2 guys I've been talking to. I hate seeing NYC Med-students name on my Chat list of people who are online, yet not chat. Or he has been idle for 10000 hours. I want to leave a message which reads, "If you are not at the computer, shut it off." After that thought came to my head, I decided to go with the 'expect nothing' approach, so if we do converse, I will be surprised. (whee!)

Cali Law Student emails me. Even when I dont reply. That kind of bugs me, and its nice at the same time. I guess Im just not used to it. But he's in Cali. 3000 miles away. The buck stops there. Or at JFK International Airport. I dont know where it stops, but its not going very far.

I'd also like to add that one of my friends in India told me I am single because I dont pray hard enough. (Hogwash!)

I hate the dating aftermath. It can be so nice, yet so ugly at the same time. After a certain age, being single can be so natural, and so strange at the same time. I know I should be single now. I cant date with all my other things going on. On the flip side, every so often I crave a big hug, or curling up under a soft, fluffy blanket with someone.

I have thoughts of "I dont need anybody", and in the next minute I think of how, "I want somebody." Want and need are two completely different things.

I need some therapeutic TV right now. A spoonful of Oprah and a heapful of Sex in the City. At this point, want and need are interchangable.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Yesterday I attended the work happy hour. My friend and I were talking to one of the Egyptian guys who works in the lab. He was trying to convince us that there is a philosophy behind belly dancing. He talked and talked for over 20 minutes. Although he never gave us the actual 'philosophy', my friend and I laughed continuously.

Then at night, I met up with my Tanzanian friend for tea (since I dont drink coffee). On the way home, I almost got hit by another car who was speeding on a back road.

Tonight, we are going out to dinner for my best friends birthday. The group consists of myself, along with 5 of my best friends friends. Luckily I get along with them. Unluckily, they dont get along with each other. Luckily (or quite possibly Unluckily), they were nice enough to put aside any differences for my friend to celebrate her birthday.

Im hoping my laughter from yesterday will carry over into tonight, and last night's near-disaster is not a premonition for tonights dinner.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Last night I watched a new episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, after months of Bravo showing the same 4 episodes over and over again, with mucho emphasismo on the one where the guy proposed to his girlfriend.

As I was watching, lo and behold, who has hit puberty, and undergone a very nice transformation himself... Jai, the culture vulture. Thats right, Jai with an 'I'.

Today I'd like to present this years "...From Cutie to Hottie" award to none other than Jai Rodriguez...(applause!)

Jai Rodriguez has starred in the musical Rent, and is now the Culture Vulture on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. We believe he has a CD as well, but our research department is on a mental holiday so this cannot be confirmed at the present time. But if he does, we love the fact that he is indeed a "Jai of All Trades", which is always looked upon with much starstruck adulation here at the compound of the Awards Committee.

We, the awards committee, would like to commend you, Jai Rodriguez, Culture Vulture, on the transition from really light brown hair with unnatural blond highlights, to all chocolate brown, because let the truth be known, a little chocolate makes everything sweeter. We would also like to let you know that your workout is really working. Your efforts have all been duly noted. We also offer one suggestion intertwined with a compliment, and that would be, dont take any more trips to the tanning salon as your skin reached a perfect golden tan. If you tan anymore, your skin will become leathery, and all that exfoliation would have gone to waste, as your glow would be gone. Im sure Kyan has gone through this with you already. (Kyan, we love you too!)

Unfortunately Jai could not be here tonight to accept his "...From Cutie to Hottie" award, due to prior engagements/better things to do, but he did send along this message via satellite:

"Thank You for this prestigious "...From Cutie to Hottie" award. I would also like to thank Aveda for the hair color. As you can tell from my pictures, I love the camera. More importantly the camera loves me. Boys love me too. And in the midst of all this love for me, I have love for you as well. I also have love for dancing. Always remember, the perfect handshake should be made out of rock, not silly putty."

"Extra special thanks to the lovely chocolatey Dr.P herself."

Why Jai! How kind of you! For that, you will not have to give up your trophy, and I will try to make you a sash which reads "...From Cutie to Hottie"

In other awards which were handed out earlier this evening...Bono is still "Mr.Devlishly Handsome with each Passing Year."

That will be all for this evening.

Thank You for joining us in this extra-special post. Good night and Exfoliate.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Things that are irritating me at the moment.

1) Friend XX has invited herself to all of my next months upcoming NYC trips. She has also given herself permission to crash at my friends places. (none of whom she's met) I wouldnt be so irritated if she at least asked first. At least thats the polite thing to do. I dont know how many people my friends are having over during each weekend. I hadnt planned on bringing her. Since she is my friend, I told her about all of my plans with my friends. I didnt expect her to invite herself along for the ride. Its gotten to the point that whenever I talk to her, she keeps talking about how we are going to the city together. There is one weekend I was going to go, but I nixed the plan since I want to go to the Holiday Party for work. Now, this is the weekend she really wants to go. I told her that I was going for the work party, and she said, "No you're not." Im in the works of creating a little lie. In this case, I'd like to think that lying is better for the friendship. I'm an awful liar, and I hate to lie, so Im going to need a some sort of spritual cleansing right afterwards.

2) There is no way I can learn Algebra and Geometry for the GRE's.

3) There is a fly in my room. The buzzing is like fingernails across the blackboard.

4) My parents have guests over from the motherland who are staying for 4 days. This means I have to pretend that Im in my room studying, and when the guests ask a question I smile and nod. We wouldnt want them to give a negative report back to the fam in the motherland. And by we, I mean my parents.

5)I went to the florist today after work so I could send flowers to my best friend for her birthday tomorrow. The store had just closed just as I got there. So I went to another florist, and that florist also closed 5 minutes before I got there.

6)There is actually a new episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on tonight, which means I will be flipping back and forth from the Real World and Queer Eye.

7)Someone at work told me to have kids before its too late.

8)This is the second time Im writing this post.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

My 'love' life is not much to speak of these days. Although I am proud of myself for meeting 2 menfolk in recent weeks. Woohoo! Go me!

Lets discuss.

I met one guy at Lizzie's wedding which was last week. He's smart, kind, good at emailing, a law student, and enjoys my jabbering.

His minor flaw: He's living in San Diego. The other side of the country. In the happy, sunny place. Ugh.

I met another guy on one of my recent trips to NYC. A nice Jewish boy. He's a med student. What, a Jewish med student in NYC? I kid you not! *Sarcasm* This may sound similar to D'ex (A nice Jewish resident in NYC), but this one is a little different. He's got a wide range of friends, he likes to go out, he's nice, likes to learn about things, he's cute (blond!), he looks cuddly, and he's good at emailing.

Minor flaw: We recently moved up to chatting. We've chatted once. We stopped emailing because we thought we would be chatting and havent caught each other online since.

Although they are good guys, Im playing it cool for the moment. The San Diego guy is probably out of the question, since he is 3000 miles away. Where would we meet up for a date? I dont think so. The NYC guy is a little more accessible, but if we dont have another conversation again, then that would make him out of the running too.

So in India and Hinduism, astrology is a big thing. As we know, my family thinks Im an old haggerella whom no one will marry. My grandmother got my horoscope/stars/chart read over in India. The kind astrologer-man said that my 'bad time' is ending, and I will be married in a year and a half to a guy of my choosing.

All is calm on the homefront....for the moment.

To see something fun, click on this, and watch this blog transform right before your eyes. (Not for innocent eyes, or people who get offended dont say I didnt warn you)

I must thank Alkam for this fun link.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Yesterday I received a card in the mail from my friends in Colorado. It read:

"Wherever you are, happiness happens."

How come that doesnt hold true once I reach home?

Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The

"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."

The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow,
reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by
the goddess Persephone and their sign is The
Teardrop, or Broken Love.

As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and
may be hard on yourself. You probably have
been hurt in the past by other people and can
sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You
don't usually let other get too close to you,
but you are very good at mending your spirits
back together by yourself.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Some people have foot in mouth syndrome, where they say things they did not mean to say. Some people have chicken out syndrome, where they cannot say things they are supposed to say. I have both.

I need a recommendation letter for the Masters program of my choice. I know who I want to ask, although Im a little nervous about asking him. I havent told anyone at work about my plans for grad school. Everyone thinks Im applying for a residency. You would think that these people are my parents, since they are so excited at the prospect. Today I went up to this specific Doctor, all ready to ask him for a recommendation letter, and instead I said,"Do we have to draw bloods regularly for the 18 patients?"...I already knew this answer. But I asked it. After asking the wrong question, I could not possibly go back and ask the serious question I needed to ask. Bollocks! I hate myself. Tomorrow will be attempt #2.

This incident reminded me of a time a few years ago when I met a very cute guy. When I get nervous, I tend to over-talk my welcome. He asked me what I had done over the weekend. I gave him a full account of my weekend, inclusive of the numerous games of beer pong I played at a party which resulted in a small bit of drunkeness and the mini-fight I got into with someone who found it apropos to toss a racist comment in my direction. It was only when I saw his change of expression from intent listening to fear and apprehension, I realized I should have shut up 5 minutes prior.

After reminiscing about that incident, I am reminded of a scene from Dirty Dancing. Baby (Jennifer Grey) is at the dance, and she's holding a watermelon. Patrick Swayze struts up to her and says, "What are you doing?" and with a smile she says, "Just holding a watermelon." Patrick says, "Oh ok..." and gives her this look that says, "You're a nut." After he walks a way, she says to herself with exasperation,"Holding a watermelon!"

I have many moments like these. Although at the end of the movie, Jennifer Grey was dancing in bed and all over the campground with Mr.Patrick Swayze himself.

This could possibly mean that there is some light behind my fog of stupidity. I wouldnt want Patrick Swayze behind that fog because now he lives on a ranch and cares for horses, and that kind of life is not for me. I would like to call Bono (U2) for some assistance please.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

I have realized an extremely negative trait about myself. Im not very good at sharing myself.

There is a friend of mine who has asked me to go to NYC with her for her birthday, which is on December 20th. Normally I would go, but thats the same day as the work Christmas party, and I really want to go for that, at least for a couple hours. This same friend is supposed to go to Jamaica after Christmas, but she said that if she doesnt go, she's coming to my birthday party and the same new years event Im going to. I dont mind that she wants to come to my birthday, but the New Years party is not even mine, and she invited herself without a problem. The thought gives me indigestion. Then on the other side, most other people wouldnt care if their friends tag along. I love my other friends meeting each other, but I get nervous for personality clashes.

Then I noticed at work, I dont like to eat lunch with the same people all the time. If I eat with them every day, I get irritated. Sometimes I like to eat by myself. Sometimes I enjoy other peoples company.

I hate routine. I dont understand how people can have the same schedules and do the same things with the same people day in and day out. Perish the thought!

Its not that I dont like any of these people. Its quite the opposite. I think highly of all the aforementioned peeps. I like variety. I like my space. I dont want to confine myself or fall into any routine that would require me to be with the same people at the same place and time.

File me under borderline meanie. I earned it. I have a place saved for me in the world of spinsters.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

I just came back from NYC. The train stations were packed like sardines both going and coming. Except while coming back, the train was packed like too many sardines in one can. This is because everyone has started Christmas/Holdiay shopping in this freezing cold weather. People were wearing their bulky coats, and had more shopping bags and goodies than they could handle. Even though its not that time of year to give out a holiday cheer, the madness has begun.

I went in for the day, very unprepared for the windchill and the enormous about of Christmas decorations. I saw Christmas lights, wreathes, and candy cane stickers in many places. The Christmas Chutzpah has begun.

I live near a house who never takes down their Christmas lights. Although they are up all year, they are lit up only at Christmas. So everyday when I drive by, the lights are in Christmas tree formation. I also live near another house who tastelessly lines every single crevice of their house with lights every holiday season. They could light up a small city with all that electricity.

Do they fail to note that today is the 8th of November? We havent even hit Thanksgiving yet.

Wait. Today is the 8th of November? My birthday is in one month and 20 days. I better send out reminders.

My birthday is near Christmas. Myself along with many other people who have birthdays near Christmas or Hanukkah get SHAFTED. One combined gift. No gift. No one has money to do anything. People are tired. People are away. I'd like to say this is all a load of crap. IF you want people to celebrate your birthday AND Christmas, you best be celebrating both days with me too. I dont care that Im not Christian nor Jewish. I love holidays where there are presents (and food). Dont deny me on my day.

This year, most of my friends are going away on holiday for the Holidays. Thankfully, I have my blessed NYC friends who hardly leave the city, and I will be spending my birthday there. You are more than welcome to join.

My personality is slightly dichotomous. I'll admit it. I blame it on the eclipse.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I dreamed a little dream of me. Although in the dream, I was in it, and the things that were happening affected me, I couldnt understand it. It was all so uncharateristic.

It was a psycho dream. I was married.

I had a dream about my wedding day.

I hate the thought of getting married. I can see a long term monogamous relationship a la Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, but the whole wedding thing throws me off. Is it a ploy to get gifts that you want? Seriously, why is it so important to have this elaborate ceremony to have God's blessing, and then get sloshed afterwards. There's more than enough people who have had sex before marriage, so if all that is out of the way, whats the big deal concerning "the piece of paper?"

It really baffles me. People spending huge mama loads of money to throw a party. A party where you feed 200 people, get them goody bags, yet hardly talk to them. A party where people come from near and far just to watch this blessed moment. Some people who dont even know you, but your parents have to invite come along, not because they really give a quarter of a shit, but its a social event and everyone will be there.

If I ever do get married to the man I intend to be monogamous with for the rest of my life, I'd rather elope in Barbados. Me, my man, sunset, and a margarita afterwards. Thats all I want. I'd also like a tropical flower in my hair. I'd wear a sundress and flip-flops.

From what I hear, getting married has to do with with the couple, and how its such an important step in ones life, but I dont think one should drive themselves crazy or into debt over it. I have married friends, and I've been to many weddings, but I've never understood the extravagance that is the wedding. Its seems like its more about entertainment than the event. That thought makes me want to vomit. Im sure if I didnt have a big ol' wedding, the only people who would be crushed would be my parents. And I'd pay for their plane tickets to Barbados.

But if I elope, am I still eligible for presents?

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Tag Team back again...

Colorado was awesome. What made it awesome were my friends. Its amazing that we hardly see each other, yet when we're together, you would think we see each other everyday.

We had lots of fun doing things big and small...driving up into the mountains, and shopping at Target.

I reached on Thursday, and I was welcomed by clouds. Luckily I was wearing my red velvet pants, so Gretchie was able to spot me at the airport. We drove home where Jay was waiting, and it was so great to see him. That night we were at home, talking, looking at pictures, and laughing. I was laughing and smiling so much, my cheeks hurt.

Friday we went to Golden, Colorado. Here is where the Coors Brewery is located. At the bottom of the hills. This town was so cool. Like a country western town. We had lunch at this yummy deli, and then went to the brewery. That was cool, especially because we get 3 free samples at the end! By evening, we went into Denver, and walked around 16th Street, which is the main street there. From there, we went out for Indian food. They really wanted to try Indian food while I was there, since I could be their guide. They loved it, and I loved the fact that they loved it.

Saturday, was the holiday parade. Jay is a band teacher at the middle school, so his kids were marching. It was so cool to see what he does, and how he works. All the kids were running up to him going, "Mr K., my button broke!" or "Mr.K, Kristen Miller isnt here yet!" The parade was nice. Gretchie and I cheered for them real loud, in the freezing cold!

Afterwards, we drove up into the mountains. This was one of the most breathtaking rides I've ever been on. We had lots of fun in the car also. Singing and laughing. The mountains were so gorgeous. We all got headaches from the change in altitude, but I did see snowcapped mountains, and thats what I was looking for! I couldnt believe it. It was so beautiful. We went on a short hike, just so I could say I climbed that mountain! (Sort of)

We eventually drove back home, rented the movie Daddy Day Care, which was hysterical, and ate calzones. The fun and laughter continued on and on...

The next morning, we all had breakfast together, and then Jay had to go for a rehearsal. It was awkward to say bye to him, since I had so much fun. But we managed some lame goodbye, and he left. Then Gretchie took me to the airport, and I thanked her profusely for a lovely vacation. I felt sad to leave, but time was up. On the other hand, I was so happy I went.

The whole plane ride home, I thought about them. I was smiling at my memories of the trip, and the wonder that is our friendship.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Im back. Oh yes, Im back.

Shall we talk about how fabulous my trip was?

Fabulous, but not extravagant, yet perfect.

I saw the Rocky Mountains. I had wonderfully good fun with friends. I had 4 days of non-stop happiness.

I'd still be smiling if I wasnt so sleepy.

So good night my pretties. Until tomorrow. (As I will have more energy to expand my thoughts)

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I'll be on a Rocky Mountain high in 72 hours!! Or maybe I'll be high on a Rocky Mountain. We will see which way it works out. I hope we get decent weather while Im there. I want to go snowboarding. Or see a cute snowboarder. I want to hike too. Im going to be on a plane!!! Woohoo!

In the meantime, if you miss me, read the previous posts.
Have a lovely time while Im away! Be good. And yes, you may invite people over when Im gone. Just make sure you leave everything as you found it.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

I wish today was yesterday. I dont mean it as wishing I didnt have to wake up for work tomorrow, but I want to experience the essence of yesterday again.

If you read the last post, I was up at 7:30am on a Saturday. Call me crazy. I'll call myself crazy. Im crazy. But I had my 9am haircut. Priorities, priorities.

I take the half hour drive to my fave salon to get my haircut. I actually havent been there in months, because it was too far away. I also didnt think I deserved a high class haircut just to sit at home. Now Im in a whole different ballgame.

I was very excited for this day to come. I walk in, and I was having someone else cut my hair, and not my man Joe. This was only because Saturday was the only day I was free, and he wasnt. When Joe saw me, he told me I needed my highlights. I said I wanted something dynamic, and he knew just what to do. So I decided to get the highlights as well. How's that for spontaneity? Before my haircut Joe and I chitchatted about the boy scene, and each time I go in, he tells me of a new place I should go for some eye candy. I love having a gay hairdresser.

Im sit in the chair, and Joe is telling Kathy how to cut my hair, and he mixes the color and tells her how to color it. She knows how to cut, but Joe and I share a bond. He understands my hair. Then after the highlights and cut was finished, he told her how to do my hair. Then he came outside with me, in the sun, with a mirror to show off my highlights to myself.

Right after I was all styled up, I went into NYC. I hopped off the train and took the subway to Union Square. From there I had a lovely walk to a coffee shop called the Higher Ground in th East Village, where I met my friend. The weather was wonderful, I wanted to sit outside all day. We then went to this small Italian place for a quick bite to eat. It was awesome. This is one friend I can totally be myself around, quirks and all. This is someone who understands the art of conversation. I love listening to him as well, because he's so knowledgable on so many different levels. I learn so much. Plus, we also decided what Im doing for my birthday and New Years.

Unfortunately, he had a prior engagement, so he had to leave. I didnt really know what to do at that point. I was near my old apartment building. So I called D'ex.

Dont berate me. Hear me out.

D'ex says I can come on over. I went. My heart was litererally in my ears. I could feel it pounding. I hadnt seen him for 4 months at that point. Thats a long time when you've liked someone. He left his door open for me like he always does. When I walked in, I had expected him to be wearing his flannel pants, his white undershirt and socks. Instead, I got a clean shaven, sweater and jeans with nice black shoes wearing D'ex. I said, "You didnt have to get dressed up for me." And he said, "We're going out!" What?! This was a first. I completely underestimated him. He was taken aback when I told him how surprised I was at the prospect of us actually leaving his apartment. Then we started ballroom dancing. We did. D'ex and Dr.P style. This is 'normal' for us.

We walked to Lombardi's for pizza. It was a real fun walk. We were talking and laughing so much. He was very complimentary towards me. I dont know why all this surprised me, but it did. I felt so good. He was so nice and sincere. Even though I was floating on air, I knew I had to keep my feet on the ground. I know the story by now. Even if he did like me, there's just no way. Plus at his house, I saw a few new girls' phone numbers on his memo board (under my name), and I have no intention on being second fiddle to anyone. (He still has a cute note I wrote to him up on the board too).

Through all the fun, laughs, and serious conversation, I realized how I've changed too. I knew I was a different person than when he last saw me. We were so happy to see each other, and I believe a major reason was familiarity. We're comfortable with each other. We know there are no limits to the things we say. We didnt have to question each other. For a brief moment, I didnt want to leave.

I loved seeing him. I did let him hold my hand for a little bit. I miss that kind of warmth. After dinner, we walked back and he dropped me at my subway station. We hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. Then I went down into the subway station. I thought I would have a difficult time leaving, because I had so much fun. As natural as it was to see him, leaving him felt just as natural.

I felt free.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Its 7:30am on a Saturday and Im wide awake. I actually woke up with the greatest of ease. I can assure you, this never happens on a workday.

I have a haircut at 9am, and Im debating going into NYC after the haircut. I'll have this (hopefully) great haircut, and Im wearing my awesomely comfortable yet hot, red shoes. I do not want to be in the situation where Im all dressed up with nowhere to go.

But its so damn cold outside. Im talking Face Freezing, Nose biting Cold. I have tropical blood. This whole winter thing doesnt work. Is it possible I can take part in the 6 months of hibernation thing?

Maybe I'll go to the city for a little bit. I want to go. Its just for the day. I'll brave the cold. Then I wont go at all in November. I'll go once. But thats it, because Im going to have to go a couple times in December.

Such are the debates of my life.

And no, the song in the winamp has not changed in over a week. Im still loving it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Ok Kids. Had to post this. Especially since I mentioned the new book I bought.

So D'ex (I know, its been months and the pseudonym keeps coming up) has called me about 3 times in the past few weeks. Im taking a trip into NYC so I asked him (via email) if he was free to meet up for an hour or so. He replied and asked me if there is a cheesecake involved. I wrote back and asked him, "Is that a requirement? What would I get in return?"

And this is the reply I got:

not a requirement. I used to give you hugs in exchange for
On the other hand I was operating with Dr.C today and we were
about my need for help with laundry. He feels that I deserve no pity
if I
need a good woman because I blew it with you. apparently Dr.C had high
for the two of us.
well, we'll chat later.

I was surprised and slightly amused to know that Im still being talked about. Im surprised D'ex even admitted the fact that this whole conversation occured. I left the hospital in March. I left the surgery department in that hospital in December 2002. And poor D'ex. His friends told him he shouldnt have broken up with me, and now the program director had to tell him. His ego must be shot.

As for head is going to explode. Heh.
I've never been one obsessed with clothes, style or how I look. I never cared about appliance knick knacks either.

Since I began work, my wardrobe has gotten bigger, I've bought a hair dryer, hair gel, I go for regular haircuts, and I now own a few appliance knick knacks.

Today, I had to leave my car for an oil change. This takes an hour. Lucky for me, the mechanic is strategically located in between 2 shopping plazas.

Let the happy hour begin.

As I started my walk, with purse and credit cards in hand, I made my first stop at the shoe store. I walked in, and the kind, generous shoe saleslady told me the wonderful news....Buy one pair, get the second for 50% off! How could I deny myself of this wonderful (limited time) offer? I didnt. I came out with a pair of knee high boots, and a pair of red shoes.

Next stop. Wal-mart. Dont laugh. This is single-handedly one of the greatest stores of all time.

I walk in and dont know where to begin. Im checking out the boys sweatshirts because they are big and baggy just how I love them. But I had a mission. My mission was to buy a de-icer for the car. Since its not nice and wintery, and I keep my car outside, a layer of ice forms on the windshield every single morning. Scraping without a scraper is not fun. Waiting 20 minutes for it to melt off the car is not fun. Then getting in the car and driving with only one clear spot and hoping the rest of the ice will melt off is just not a good idea. I felt cool being in the hardware section. Im looking around with confidence. "No thanks store-worker, I know what tools I need!" I walked out of Wal-Mart with the De-Icing spray, a plastic scraper, hangers, and a glue stick.

So Im walking with my 3 bags, and my fingers are literally turning blue trying to hold these bags, and I see a book sale. All books 50% off. A big fluorescent yellow and orange sign. I had to go in. 50% off signs were running rampant all over the bookstore. I had 10 minutes left before picking up my car. I searched and searched until I found one that seemed to fit. Its called "The Exes" by Pagan Kennedy. Its about all these 20-somethings who live and work together. The catch is, they are all exes of each other in some way. Sounds 90210-ish, so Im sure I'll be addicted in some way, shape or form. Plus its about putting up with exes, Im sure I can find some way to relate to that.

I walked back to my car, with my blue fingers holding my bags and paid for my oil changed. I put the bags in the trunk, and let my fingers feel the circulation again.

Relief, Happiness, and a few other necessary elements restored in the span of one hour. Mission completed.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Yesterday, I took the road which lead back to my past. A past which has long since passed.

Once upon a time, I lived in a lovely little town in Vermont. From birth to age 6. I had wonderful neighbors, great friends, and a fab little life.

My best friend was a girl named Lizzie. We were the same age. We walked to school together every single day, and after school, we would play all sorts of crazy pretend games. One day at school, in the first grade, one boy started making fun of me, so Lizzie socked him. From that time, I knew we would always be friends.

When I was 6, my father got a new job and moved out of state. This shattered my little world. We were only 3 hours away, but it felt like a whole world away. I cried and cried til my lacrimal duct was dry. Lizzie and I kept in touch for a short time, then we lost each other. Only for a bit.

When I was 9, with thoughts of Vermont far from my mind, I received a letter from Lizzie. She had a new address within Vermont. I opened the letter, trembling with excitement that my best friend wrote to me. I wondered what was going on in her world. Did she get a new Cabbage Patch kid like I had? Did she get a Chinese Jump Rope?

Instead what I read, was something I couldnt comprehend as a 9 year old. Lizzie wrote to tell me that her Mother died. It didnt make sense. In my world, everyone has a mother and father, and there was a sequence in life of how things were supposed to happen. Her mother died? The same woman who would draw with us, and play Memory with us? It just wasnt possible.

It was Lizzie's reality. We wrote and wrote letters. She would ask me if she could mail herself and her sisters to my house, because she hated life without her mother. To keep the very long story short, we wrote about so many different things. My parents drove me up to her grandmothers house one day when I was 10 to see her and her 2 sisters. We went out for lunch. My parents bought them shirts, markers and sketch paper, since they had a love for art. I came home, and we resumed writing. We lost touch by age 11. Roughly.

When I was 15 I received a random letter from her and her sister with an update. Just like when I was 9, I was so excited, and I ripped the letter open, read the contents, and replied immediately. Only this time I didnt get a reply. My reply came 11 years later.

I was in India, at the internet cafe, checking my mail, and I see an email from Lizzie. I was shocked. She gave a short introduction to make sure I knew who she was and to make sure I was who she thought I was. I was so happy to hear from her. Again. I wrote back a 10K email about everything that had been going on in 11 years.

This time she replied immediately as well. Her email nearly broke my heart. I read about all the things she endured after her mother died. Her dad was a Vietnam Vet, with and undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the war, and he could never control himself or his temper. Her aunt had thrown them out of their house. They lived in a one room apartment. She couldnt afford new clothes, so she had to sew her own. She told me the best day of her young childhood was the day we had come to visit. People in high school made fun of her all the time. Thankfully by college, things got better, but she will always be scarred.

So fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday was her bridal shower. I drove up with her sister who lives near me, to our old home. It was such a fun ride, and a lovely shower. The fall foliage was beautiful. It was great to see her finally happy. I met her friends from high school and college. Lizzie and myself are different as different can be. We are like fruit and Parker Pens. No similarites. But we are bonded forever.

After the shower I drove to my old neighborhood and saw my neighbors. My house wasnt as big as I remembered it. My yard wasnt as lush as I remembered it. It was a patch of grass to be honest. The visit to my neighbors house was wonderful. I really felt like I returned home again. To the way life should be. The Mrs. was ready to make chocolate chip cookies for me, because I loved them as a kid. I still do. The Mr.and Mrs. remembered little things about me and my family that we didnt even remember. They also remembered things that still hold true today. These are people we dont see every year. I didnt want to leave.

Eventually I did. I drove home with Lizzie's sister, since we live near each other. She told me all she wants is for her father to be happy. To find love again. Its been 18 years since their mother died, and he's never dated anyone else. He still puts flowers on her grave on her birthday, their anniversary, and Valentines Day.

Someone once asked him, "Why dont you try and date? Find someone to share your life with. You cant live all alone like this."

His response, "Some people in life can never be replaced."

That one statment summed up how I felt during the drive home yesterday.

Then Lizzie's sister and I shed a few tears for times and people in our lives which can never be replaced.

Wild. My name is Dr. Philomena, and welcome to my blog. Its a cold, frigid Sunday morning. Is this working for you? I'd like to think its working for me. THe first post is always awkward. Like a first date. I could hyper-type, and give you way too much information that could cause your brain to combust, or I could not say anything at all and make you wonder for a bit. Can I have a menu, please?