Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm sick today. I have no idea what happened, but I am sick. It is nice to be sick and have the house to myself! :)

Yesterday, I went to watch my 9 year old cousin at his American football practice. As cute as it was, watching those munchkins run around with all that padding, I also enjoyed the grown adult men tossing around the football. Watching good-looking men play sports makes my day all the more better.

That got me to thinking about how I love the outdoors and watching people play football, baseball, and other sports that I like, and how I would miss those little things if I move out of the country. This got me thinking about a discussion we had at work one day. Where is the perfect place to live?

The thought came into my head because as I seek out my permanent job, I am looking along the east coast and in Europe. Theoretically, I COULD live anywhere. Because of this, practically, I couldn't tell you where I want to live, although I could tell you what I would like in a place.

At work, we have a diverse group of people...a couple guys from Britain, a girl from San Diego, Maine, Oregon, Washington State, Connecticut...the guys from Britain said they like the U.S. because of it's optimism on different topics, while the girl from Maine was saying she didn't think she wanted to raise her kids in the U.S. As this discussion kept going, you see the different good and bad sides to a place.

In conclusion, we figured there was no one place that was better than another. It's more about what you do with what you have. You can live anywhere and make it a point to love it or hate it by highlighting particular experiences. I suppose you could move somewhere and realize the things you need in life were right in front of you in your old place, you just didn't know how important they were. Or maybe you didn't know what made you happy until you made a geographical change and there it was.

I guess my happy place will be different from your happy place, wherever that may be.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Life has been good for the most part. I've been feeling very loved lately by all sorts of friends and family. I am a fan of the warm, fuzzy feeling. I don't know if I'm just recognizing the good things more, or if it really is all new. My friends have really been great, real supportive, and I'm trying to think of ways to thank them for that. For now, I hope that me noticing their efforts will be thanks enough. Lots of people are having special events coming up, weddings, babies, adoptions and have expressed their desire to have me be a part of their special occasions. That caring feeling keeps me going on most days. That and knowing my life's purpose. I'm sure I know what I was put on this earth to do. I've always known it as a feeling, but lately I've been able to visualise and articulate it better. While I still couldn't give a real specific answer, I know what I need to be doing. It may take a few steps to get there, but I'm sure I will get to where I need to be. Lately, I've had a feeling inside that things are falling in line. It's not a 'wishful thinking' type of feeling either. It's more of one that tells me to keep doing what I'm doing and take advantage of the opportunities that feel right. I'm listening to my inner voice. I've ignored it before, but not this time.

It's partly because as of late, I've been finding out the answers to some 'whatifs.' You know, sometimes when you date someone, you wonder what life would have been like if they were still around, regardless if being with them was wrong. Luckily, whomever I've let go in the past 7 years, whether it was difficult or not, has been the right choice. I found out one ex got a girl pregnant and then promptly stopped talking to her (ew) and another is engaged, but tends to lie to his fiancee about his whereabouts (not nice). I also called CLS Boy because I was in his neighborhood and was in desperate need for a bathroom, he wasn't there, so he called me back. He kept talking, and I asked him, "Are you home?" and he was in NYC spending the day with his new girlfriend celebrating her birthday! I couldn't believe he stayed on the phone with me, but maybe some people just don't get it. I told him he should have told me he was busy, and I promptly hung up. I also heard from my first love. His phone call was actually very nice and fun. I laughed, that deep belly laugh...and it has been so long since I laughed like that. I forgot what it was like to talk to someone who knows me that well...the good, the bad, and the ugly. There were also parts of the conversation which reminded me why we weren't together too, but I was also reminded that maybe, at some point, I will soften on my anti-relationship stance when the right person comes along.

I've learned that sometimes waking up in the morning sucks, but it's worth it. I love where I volunteer, and the people I volunteer with. They inspire me everyday. I can't wait to turn that into my life's work. My opportunity is out there. Some mornings I don't want to go, and then I get myself out of bed, go, and when I come home at the end of the day I am truly satisfied.

Mentally, I have never felt this together in my entire life. If you were to look at my life from the outside in, it may not appear like it is together. Looking at in from the inside out, it all makes sense.

The best thing that is happening this week : My mom is going to India and my dad is going to Germany...I get the house to myself for 10 days!!! Ok, maybe that's not illustrating my caring side, but my parents and I are really sick of each other these days. My mom will be at my cousin's wedding with her all of her sisters and her nieces, my dad will be working in Germany, which he loves, and I will be here enjoying the silence. It will be rejuvenating for all of us.

Here at last, Here at last, total peace of mind is here at last.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I love how people compliment my hair the day before I plan on getting it cut.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I've been going back and forth as to what to blog about, so here it is.

Lately, I've been coming across articles which discuss life in your 30's. Actually, they are more about being a woman in your 30's. Being 30, I'm always intrigued by these articles.

Usually they are of 2 mindsets: Single and sad, or Married and loving it. There is the 3rd group which discusses fertility in your 30's, which I will not elaborate on here. I hate these articles because my category is not there. Single and loving it. (Don't get me started how these articles are targeted at the ladies only!)

The single and sad people are unmarried and worried about their fertility, as well as the difficulty of meeting a good guy because apparently, they are all taken. I am not worried about these things. I feel that things will happen at the right time. I can't imagine any year of my 20's where getting married would have fit or been the right choice. I *shudder* at the thought. An ex boyfriend called me the other day and fretted about how he missed the boat for marriage. He's only 31!

I was chatting with one of my favorite people about this, wondering why I came across these articles. He pointed out that I am bucking the trend. I like that. Why does it have to be one way or the other?

Granted, I'm not in the place I thought I would be at 30 but I am moving forward. I'm not miserable either. I am more anxious and excited for the future just because I am ready to acheive all I've dreamt about and more. This is the tip of the iceberg.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

The drinks we drank last night

Artist(Band):Azure Ray

Riding on these waves
Holding on to what you say
Everything will be okay
it will work out one way

But I’ve drifted way too far
my arms my legs have grown too tired
And could you be inspired, now I’m just tired

And on a swing you push me hard
So I’ll come back to where you are
And you know I’m never far
no decisions nothing hard

And I knew that it would ring tonight
I’ll take the bus or the next flight
I won't give up on what feels right

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night

The shadow of our past,
projects on clouds of dust and gas
The ones where my eyes will rest,
a silhouette of loneliness

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night

I need a new world. I'm ready for a new beginning.
I'm extremely lucky to have a lot of amazing people on my side.

The force of good will prevail!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of inspiration. Not just people who are inspiring simply because they are inherently good, but because they have found a shred of light in the darkest hour.

Inspiration #1

Near where I live, a brutal crime has occurred where a man has lost his wife, his children, his house, and almost everything inside. The story is so sad, even telling it or reading about it seems so surreal. It is one of those moments which I think few people experience...how do you go on when you have lost everything that means the most to you, everything you've loved and worked for. I think about the crime and just wonder how this father/husband will go on. This family was robbed of their loving life together. The tale is horrendous and unimaginable.

One of the many memorial services going on for the family was shown on TV. Many people spoke, with one of the final speakers being the father. A tall man, dressed in a perfectly tailored grey suit, with bruises all over his face and a gash on his forehead, all a result of the horrific night. His first line, he cracked a light hearted joke. As he continued on to describe his loving family with such grace and poise, he recounted his memories, and made us laugh as well. He spoke as a loving father and husband, and you could feel that. I sat in amazement. In spite of all he is going through, his kindness just permeated through the crowd. This was a crowd of over 1,600 present, many more watching at home, in a service which took place the day after burying his family.

I cried for much of the service, but my cries turned to sobs when the father spoke. My heart broke for him, and I was also inspired by his nature. Even when the worst happens, it is necessary to rise above it. It is important to still be a good person. The only two times he waivered in composure is when he said that his younger child would have grown to be a lovely lady, and that if there is anything we can gain from this senseless tragedy is to pass on kindness everyday. To see someone in the depths of such sadness exhibiting a stance of love and care when he could easily be drowning in sorrow and anger...I can say that I have gone through much less in my life and sometimes I have chosen to be angry. After seeing what I saw today, I know I have no reason to be.

Inspiration 2

Inspiration 2 is about adoption. First off I should say, I work and volunteer with the most amazing people on the planet. Just when I think they can't be kinder, they show me that there is always a way to be a better person.

The 2 with adopted siblings...their families saved their siblings from abusive homes. They weren't setting out to adopt but their siblings were getting severely beaten and tortured in their own homes. The stories I heard broke my heart. One of the siblings was made to bathe in bleach by her parents! That is mild compared to the other things she went through. She remembers praying to God at the age of 3 to send her a family where she can be happy. It took God 12 years to respond, and she finally got her wish. While she has many mental and a few physical disorders she needs to deal with, she continues to study and work her hardest to get somewhere in her life, but now she has the support of a loving family. People who deal with a lot less quit a lot faster.

I heard both of these stories within a few days of each other. I'm not sure why it worked out that way, but it did. I have been going through the stories in my head in some attemtpt to figure out why these innocent people had to go through such catastrophic heartache. It is not fair. I couldn't find a real answer and that is the part that upsets me the most. We are always looking for answers.

Maybe the father was right. If I can learn the lesson of hope and love from their pain, their grief/loss of life will not be in vain.

The worst kind of pain, is watching someone you love in pain

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My life is hilarious. It has a strange 6-degrees of separation/full circle element. People who were once in my life, tend to pop up in the strangest ways.

On Friday, I am going up to Vermont to see my friend Lucy who was a friend of mine wayyyyyyyy back in elementary school. Our Dads worked together, so we were always kind of connected, although I haven't seen her since our school days. I am very excited about it, especially since I haven't been to Vermont in a long time. Since she lives in the same town as 2 people I know, I asked her to just email me her address since I know how to get to that town.

I receive her email which says she lives on 146 Main Street.

CLS Boy's parents live on 52 Main Street.

This is hilarious for 2 reasons.

1) Out of all the places in the town, she lives a few houses down from my ex-boyfriends parents (who are wonderful people), although I haven't seen them since I crushed their child's heart.

2) all those times I went up to see CLS Boy, Lucy was right down the street and I never knew it! I must have walked by her house numerous times! How strange.

I've had a few experiences where I have been at the same place at the same time as someone else who I ended up meeting at a point later in time. I wonder what it all means.

I ended up telling her to just desribe the house since I already know how to get there.