Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Going on with the nostalgia theme...

Today I came back from my niece's ice cream social. Basically, the school collects money, gives us ice cream, and the kids play in a park. It is crazy, a bunch of 5 year olds running around with ice cream in their hands, but it is nice for the kids to see each other outside school (and the parents and guardians as well).

My niece has spent this year in the same town I grew up in. When I was in elementary school, I was a bus helper for my niece's current kindergarten teacher's class. I played on the high school tennis team with her kindergarten teacher's daughter. There is another teacher at the school who used to live down the street from me, I used to go to her house and hang out with her daughter all the time. On the list of kindergarteners, I recognize the names of some people I went to high school with. Sometimes I'm surprised with how long I've been connected to this town. I thought once I left, I would never be back.

Here I am.

Having my niece here, in this same school system, has healed some old wounds for me. I'm not entirely sure how it has happened. I think being able to take care of her in the same system, with some of the same people around, I have shown myself that what happened, happened. I am better and smarter now. I think I know that whatever happened, happened because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know any better. Now I know. I won't let the same thing happen to myself again, or to my niece. Really, I have no idea why I am at peace now.

I enjoy living here now. Although I won't stay.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

It has been a strange few weeks. I have been unusually nostaligic. It is the end of the school year, which means my niece is growing up. Granted she is still small, finishing Kindergarten, but she is getting bigger. I always feel like the end of the school year is really the end of the year, not December 31st. One season ends, a new season begins.

One thing I always liked about summer vacation is that it is a buffer from one year to the next. It is a time to reflect, yet move forward at the same time.

To try and make an analogy, I feel like I am at a 'summer vacation' point in life, but more at the end of summer vacation. Lately, all sorts of past events/people (Mike, amongst others), have somehow wormed their way into my world, or have been brought to my attention. People or events I have tucked away, with plans never to uncover again. I've even made peace with CLS Boy. (Not that we were fighting, I chose to avoid him) When I hang out with friends, it feels like I'm spending time with them in order to move on to something else. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am finishing a school year, and going to go to another school.

I am expecting some big change soon. A big, positive change. I'm not sure what it is, but it is coming. I will let you know when it happens. :)

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I finally met up with Mike tonight over a few drinks.

It was anti-climatic, but interesting.

We were both happy to see each other, although we didn't hug. We both got drinks and just chatted for 2 hours. He didn't mention his wife at all, and I didn't pry to find out why he decided to email me. I didn't mention his wife either. I asked him about "things at home," and he blew it off.

I learned how good I am at making conversation. I don't watch baseball, but since it was awkward in the begninning, we talked about baseball. I said how I would like to see a baseball game one day, and he took a copy of the New York Post and looked up Mets game schedules. He found one for tomorrow, I said no way, but I'll be in the city Wednesday. He even called his buddy to see about tickets.

Now I don't think I will call him and go to a baseball game on Wednesday, but I went along with it out of sheer nervousness.

We talked and talked. The only time I dealt with attitude, was when I asked him if he was following the presidental candidates. He asked me, "Why are you asking me that?" and my response was, "Because I am asking you."

Reminiscing about our high school/college days brought us the most smiles and laughs.

It definitely wasn't like things used to be. As we were talking, he realized how much he's missed in my life. (I can't say the same because he doesn't do much, and he didn't mention his wife at all) We started easing into being normal around each other though.

After a couple hours, it was time to go. We hugged. I don't know how much in touch we will be. Although at least when we go to the baptism of a mutual friends' son, I know we can talk like acquaintences. We're not full fledged friends yet, and I'm not sure he can be in my life the way he used to be.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

“Sonnet 17”, by Pablo Neruda

“I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom, and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.”

This isn't to anyone in particular. If I had my way, someone tall, dark, and handsome would be reciting this to me.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

--From The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

This quote stirred something inside me today. This year has been long, full of bumps, being at my parents house, I looked back thinking of all the 'sacrifices' I made to get myself to a point that is different from where I'm at now.

Then I realized, sacrificing this year of my life, was a precious gain in my nieces life.

That realization changed my outlook on my own life.

Today is going to be a good day.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I am a good friend. I am a good friend during happy and sad times. Although lately, I have encountered the same situation where I don't think I am being as good of a friend as I should be.


I have friends who are getting divorced. 2 in particular.

I don't know what to say to them. I don't say much, and just like each wedding is different, so is each divorce.

Divorce sucks. Both friends have been married about 3-4 years too. Both divorces involve children. Both friends talk to me. I don't know what to say.

My friends do have solid reasons for divorce. One friend's husband has a gambling problem, and the other friend's in-laws are somehow turning her husband against her and the situation is becoming unbearable for her. Although he is willing to make sure she does not get their child.

I don't know anything about divorce firsthand, and for that I am lucky. But they are turning into a lot of drama and I want to support them in the right way. I find myself speechless half the time, giving these half-hearted sounding, "Things will be alright" when even I don't know. I don't want my friend who is a stay-at-home-mom (No income) to worry about providing for her child and pay a lawyer. I want their husbands to wisen up and things to get better for them.