Thursday, September 29, 2005

Date of Death of Relationship: 28th September 2005

Estimated Time of Death of Relationship: 9:12pm



He came to my place Tuesday night, and things weren't going so well. Wednesday I was in class all day, and I came home. We ordered a pizza and began talking about the relationship. While we were talking I knew it had to end. At some point I said I didn't want to be together anymore. He asked me to give it another chance, and I said I couldn't. Then he got up from the table and said, "I guess I should go."

I stayed sitting at the table. I didn't know what to do. After 5 minutes I got up to see what was happening. I found him at the entrance of my bedroom leaning against the wall crying uncontrollably. Knowing I had been the cause of his pain, I started crying too. Then I made him sit and he was lying down on the bed, crying and not blinking. He even started twitching. I told him that he couldn't drive tonight and he had to stay. He literally went into a psychotic child-like state repeating over and over that everything will be OK, in a quite child-like voice. I was so scared. I told him he couldn't drive and then he said that there was no way he could stay. He got up and collapsed on his bag just crying. This happened quite a few times. He decided to stay and this morning we went through the same thing. He admitted that things were falling apart with us, although this is the first time he's acknowledged the fact. He was blaming it on distance and I didn't think that was the case. He kept saying, "I'm days away from moving down here." But he's not, and I know it. The hardest part was keeping my ground because I know we were both crying because we had a wonderful relationship in many ways, and for some reason when you break up with someone that's all you can think about. Like right now. He just left. He's taken some of his things and asked me to think about my decision for a couple days. If I feel the same, he will come back for the rest. He said that he will always love me, and we probably cannot be friends, and even if thats true in a relationship, its hard to know that someone will be out of your life forever. Its hard to break up with someone because of drifting apart, or growing in separate directions. Its easier to say, "You were an asshole. Now go." It was so hard to see him leave though, and that he'll probably never be back. And that I've crushed him so much. I feel like an evil person right now. I have to be there for myself now, and I can't immediately call him with a problem or just to tell him something good, or to hear a friendly voice.

I wish it wasn't 2pm right now. Everyone is at work or school and I know all I want is to cry and talk and for someone to tell me I did the right thing. It seemed like the right idea last week. I guess I'll just keep crying til my eyes are a satanic shade of red and I figure everything out. I want him to be happy too.

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