Friday, September 17, 2004

Throughout the week, I've been talking to a friend of mine who has been alluding to "an important doctors appointment." I asked her if she was ok, and she said that she was fine. I let her know that my door was open if she wanted to talk.

Yesterday evening, we were both studying together. She says to me, "I should tell you about my doctor's appointment." I didnt say anything because I felt like she wanted to tell me something.

She begins:

"Sometime I ago I went through a major depression. I came out of it by myself without the help of any drugs. But I hate my body. I've been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic disorder. My hate for my body takes up so much of my thought process. I hate my breasts. I feel like if they were bigger I'd be more beautiful and confident. I didnt even attempt to go to the beach this summer. I'm going to see a plastic surgeon tomorrow. This is a big step for me. My family supports me in my decision. So there goes your perfect image of me."

I was floored. This girl exercises all the time. She eats right. She has a body other girls would die for. Other girls would ask plastic surgeons to make a body like hers for themselves. She's a size 3 and wears extra-small t-shirts. You get the picture.

She's so smart, bubbly, confident and even a bit feminist. I dont understand why she feels the need to do this.

I told her that it sounds like she's thought it through, so I support her too.

Then I couldnt stop thinking about what she told me. I've been so disturbed by it. She fighting with her own mind which is playing tricks on her. There is nothing I can do for her. I want to go into her brain and change the way she sees herself. Does everyone go through a depression at some point in their life? I've been a few, I wonder if I went to a psychiatrist at at that time, would I have been diagnosed with some underlying mental disorder? (I wouldnt have been surprised) I feel like everyone has an inner demon to battle with. Some people can fight it, some surpress it, and some lose their battle. I have my own demons to deal with also. I have found a way to deal with them. Some days I cant and I cry, and some days I laugh them away.

All of this makes me wonder if confidence is just part of an image or is it a real feeling?

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